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(no subject)
Oct. 21st, 2007 09:53 pm
( I really don't like Sundays. )Also, on a less whiny note,
( a few more thoughts about the Dumbledore outing. )And I really must grab DH back from my mother and re-read it now. :)
( I really don't like Sundays. )Also, on a less whiny note,
( a few more thoughts about the Dumbledore outing. )And I really must grab DH back from my mother and re-read it now. :)
(no subject)
Oct. 14th, 2007 09:50 pm1) I seem to have turned into a very lazy lj-er, & 2) how is time passing so very fast? I still remember rather vividly writing about being happy at having daylight again when I leave work, and now it's already almost dark when I bike home. Gah. Stop!
Spanish continues [Different VHS, different teacher who explains things much better and more clearly, although I had a bit of a shock in the first lesson when everyone was recounting their holidays in indefinido, which, OMG panic! we hadn't learned last semester, but that wasn't too difficult to catch up with, and I'm getting along fine otherwise, so I'm staying. Plus, it's on Monday, and there's at least a chance I'll still be slightly less dead then during the Christmas season than later in the week.], as does belly-dancing (still moving a bit too fast for my taste mostly because my brain needs more time to process and put togehter the parts of the choreographies we're doing, and on top of that almost everyone in the class has much more experience than I have, but perhaps I'm simply masochistic, or perhaps it's that however frustrated I get, I'm still pleasantly surprised that I'm able to do this at all (Me! Dance!), but I'm continuing for the moment.).
Two birthday cakes were made, and what is it with all the autumn birthdays in my family. *sigh*
I've been watching B5, only a few epiodes left of S3 now, but I'm not really feeling the love, somehow. Nostalgic fondness, yes, and there are moments when it grips me, but something's missing...
And when I have the time and energy I've been out photographing, once with H. (flickr guy), and last Saturday there was a meeting of the Vienna flickr group, which turned out to be really nice, especially considering that I almost hadn't gone, because OMG people I don't know! Scary! Stress! Do not want! Why is it so very hard for me to maintain enough of a mental balance to keep up at least a minimal social life (minimal on my standards, not the rest of the world's)?
Work is getting increasingly hectic and if I'm exhausted already, how will I cope with Christmas?
( And speaking of which, I had one of my recurrent I-can't-stand-this-job-for-another-minute crisis a couple of weeks ago... )
( And speaking of depressed... )
Feeling better now, although I was already dithering on the brink of Sunday-afternoon-depression again today. (Of course it doesn't help that tomorrow morning I'm having the orthodontist appointment from hell, first having my teeth cleaned and then getting the braces adjusted, which by itself is enough to leave me in a state of nervous breakdown most of the time...)
Spanish continues [Different VHS, different teacher who explains things much better and more clearly, although I had a bit of a shock in the first lesson when everyone was recounting their holidays in indefinido, which, OMG panic! we hadn't learned last semester, but that wasn't too difficult to catch up with, and I'm getting along fine otherwise, so I'm staying. Plus, it's on Monday, and there's at least a chance I'll still be slightly less dead then during the Christmas season than later in the week.], as does belly-dancing (still moving a bit too fast for my taste mostly because my brain needs more time to process and put togehter the parts of the choreographies we're doing, and on top of that almost everyone in the class has much more experience than I have, but perhaps I'm simply masochistic, or perhaps it's that however frustrated I get, I'm still pleasantly surprised that I'm able to do this at all (Me! Dance!), but I'm continuing for the moment.).
Two birthday cakes were made, and what is it with all the autumn birthdays in my family. *sigh*
I've been watching B5, only a few epiodes left of S3 now, but I'm not really feeling the love, somehow. Nostalgic fondness, yes, and there are moments when it grips me, but something's missing...
And when I have the time and energy I've been out photographing, once with H. (flickr guy), and last Saturday there was a meeting of the Vienna flickr group, which turned out to be really nice, especially considering that I almost hadn't gone, because OMG people I don't know! Scary! Stress! Do not want! Why is it so very hard for me to maintain enough of a mental balance to keep up at least a minimal social life (minimal on my standards, not the rest of the world's)?
Work is getting increasingly hectic and if I'm exhausted already, how will I cope with Christmas?
( And speaking of which, I had one of my recurrent I-can't-stand-this-job-for-another-minute crisis a couple of weeks ago... )( And speaking of depressed... )Feeling better now, although I was already dithering on the brink of Sunday-afternoon-depression again today. (Of course it doesn't help that tomorrow morning I'm having the orthodontist appointment from hell, first having my teeth cleaned and then getting the braces adjusted, which by itself is enough to leave me in a state of nervous breakdown most of the time...)
(no subject)
Mar. 12th, 2006 04:25 pm( Lengthy Sunday afternoon intro- & retrospective ramblings, for my own benefit mostly; caveat lector... )...accompanied by another picture from yesterday.
(no subject)
May. 1st, 2005 09:17 pmWell, thank god for not-so-crappy tv shows, because apparently somewhere in the process of analysing a character you may actually get some insight into yourself. Then again, could be this is projecting my own issues onto the character in question, but as far as the results are concerned it doesn't make any difference...
I've come to the conclusion that what I've been doing for some time now (with barely any exception at all) is keep people at a distance, emotionally as well as physically, making it impossible for them to hurt me, to reject me; to have power over me in any that matters.
I can keep up a level of good-will towards the universe in general, but as far as individual people are concerned... either they just don't matter very much, or in the rare case when it seems they may begin to do, at one point some kind of defense mechanism kicks in that makes me pull away, even break off contact entirely.
I'm guessing the mostly-asexual thing is also part of this problem.
So of course I don't, can't, really appreciate affection (love?) either, because I can never entirely believe it's real, and even while I occasionally whine about being lonely, most of the time I - probably unconsciously, at this point - choose safety over the risk of emotions.
When did this happen?
More importantly, how do you even begin to try to change something like that? How do you consciously try to let yourself get close to anyone again, maybe in the end let yourself love anyone? Seven easy steps, or twelve, or whatever it is?
So, so fucked up.
(no subject)
Jan. 24th, 2005 08:46 pmOne of these days when my brain seems to be wholly incapable of processing language...
After checking the weather-forecast decided to drive Wednesday... there's the urge to get away as soon as possible, but apparently it'll be cold & snowing the whole week, and I'm not too keen on driving in the dusk/dark in such conditions; nor on skiing in a snowstorm, so there's no particular need to hurry. It'll be less stressful, seeing that I still some shopping to do. And cleaning.
Can't decide whether to get the the camera now and take it along, get acquainted with it, take some holiday pictures, or if I want this to be a technology-free holiday, just reading, relaxing, a bit of skiing - no tv, no internet, and no camera manual...
( ... )
(no subject)
Dec. 31st, 2004 03:11 pmPlanned nothing for New Year, except possibly sleep through it. Not depression, rather a mixture of exhaustion, sickness and a deep-rooted dislike of any occasion that involves too many people hell-bent on being cheerful together.
G. wanted us to do something, but for once I managed to tell him 'no' outright. I resent his obvious assumption that I would say yes, never mind that we've barely seen each other during the last year (just like he always seemed to assume that because I was/am single I'd come around eventually); and New Year, alcohol and all kinds of grievances likely to be brought up doesn't strike me as a particularly good idea. And with him, I'd hate to do something that could under any circumstances be mistaken as encouragement... I may be insane to chase away what may well be the only person to be interested in me sexually/relationship-wise, but to be honest I don't even miss the friendship, if friendship it was. There never was any real connection... I don't expect someone to agree with me on everything, or even most things, but I do want to be seen and accepted for who I am and he had a tendency to dislike/laugh at/ignore/&c. almost everything I believe is central to myself, my personality; it kept me wondering which image of me in his mind he really liked, because it obviously wasn't me at all.
I just want two and a half days of peace, quiet, sleep, reading and more S2 Buffy.
Eat lychees.
On the plus side... Vienna is amazingly, incredibly beautiful in winter sunlight.. there really are no words to describe it. H. dropped by and brought us donuts at work yesterday. Some figure-skating gala I caught on tv yesterday: if you think about it, it's amazing what kind of beauty the human body can create. And what really cheered me up and almost succeeded in making me like my job again is that quite a few of our regular customers, who came in during the last few days would wish me a Happy New Year, shake my hand, thank me, give me cough lozenges... sweet, really.
(no subject)
Oct. 10th, 2004 08:13 pmNot self-pity, but sometimes I wonder whether - in ways that really matter - I'll ever be anything but alone - maybe that's the way I'm wired and maybe it's too late now to change much about it.
During the last half year or so I've lost some of the negativity, so that it's no longer a downright bad, harmful thing for people to know me, and that's good, in its way, being able, daring to, reach out a little bit... but there are still very narrow limits and I can't help thinking there must be something within my personality that pushes people away, keeps them at arm's length.
Is the fear of being hurt, disappointed, rejected so deeply ingrained to make it impossible for me to trust anyone, let them close, even believe they would be interested in me (on any level, friendship-wise or romantically)?
And perhaps it is also that I have unrealistic expectations and too high ideals, and ultimately, when people fall short of them, more often than not am happier on my own, once the initial pathetic gratitude that someone would actually want to spend time with me fades.
I'm getting a little better at this social small-talk thing, showing interest, or at least pretending to, but I still resent it, and hate resorting to it more than strictly necessary, it seems like such a waste of time, and there's a kind of danger, I think, of losing yourself in that kind of superficiality.
Connection, truth, no lies, no masks. Acceptance. To be ((loved)) for what I am.
Exchange of ideas, change, challenge.
It does happen, very occasionally, just never in a romantic context; but then, how unrealistic is it to expect that, how horribly arrogant?
Sex - I guess sex just isn't very important to me.
Sexual attraction, not that it happens all that often, for me has always been mixed up with - and mostly secondary to - a connection with/interest in someone's personality.
*facepalm*
I'm such a head-case...
(no subject)
Sep. 23rd, 2004 11:45 pmA little (or perhaps not so little?) thing that has bugged me for some time...
What with the recent change, shift of perspective, whatever you want to call it, in my life and the resulting more positive attitude towards myself & my surroundings, I thought I might join
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_thankyou_ - it seemed like a good idea, trying to become more aware of the good things in life. I still haven't posted there yet.
Certainly there are things and people, experiences I appreciate, but it is impossible somehow for me to identify the emotion as gratitude. Love, appreciation, enjoyment; but not gratitude. Something within me balks...., I'm not sure why. It's not that I feel entitled to whatever positive things are/happen in my life, that I believe I deserved better, or take anything for granted (or do I?); it's more like... life is what it is, and I'm not sure whether gratitude makes any difference... No, probably not quite true, because I have always believed and still do so, that a positive, open personality/outlook on life is important and can make a difference.
Or perhaps gratitude would imply that I owe something, and I resent being indebted, because it would infringe my freedom, would bind me tighter to life, or to specific people, than I care to? Is it so important for me to have the questionable security of being able to get up and leave at any time? I'm I so shit-scared of the depth of my own feelings that I have to keep everyone and everything at an arm's length? Is this a more recent thing, or have I always been like that?
It would, of course, perfectly explain my inability to form any kind of relationship...
Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with the strange, isolated & probably rather scary place that is my mind...
(no subject)
Aug. 27th, 2004 10:49 amGod, I'm so, so tired... I semi-promised Ch. I'd
Considered a hiking tour for the weekend but doubt I'll do it.
And there's a holiday's worth of lj entries to write and catch up with.
On a grumpy / dissatisfied / self-critical note.
Occasionally it kind of bothers me how this journal (and by implication, my life) with almost masturbatory obsession always turns around me, myself & I, and only that.
Why is it so hard for me to reach out, to connect (or, often enough, even wanting to connect, which seems to be the deeper problem) to someone - on any level, social, friendship-y, sexual -, why do I always seem to come across as distanced and cold? (Probably over-intellectual, too, I'm not sure.) But then, the 'coming across as' is only part of the problem, because, let's face it, often enough I am those things... With a few exceptions I'm not one for the big emotions.
Arrogance, self-protection or sheer incapability? A little of everything?
My sister & I had a discussion driving home, going over our (well, her's mostly) circle of friends/acquaintances, why it is that elder daughters always seem so... tied up with their fathers' personalities, issues, neuroses, whatever. Strange.
This relates to the above because my father is just that kind of person, and while there are some of his faults I think I can avoid, sadly I've no idea whatsoever how I should go about changing what seems to be very much a deeply ingrained personality trait (defect).... not only have my school teachers always remarked that, according to my mother even the kindergarten teacher would tell her that I'd play with children when they came to me, but that I'd never approach anyone.
How do you change a pattern of behaviour that must have developed during a part of your life you barely have any memory of?
Ah well. Between one thing and another it turned 1 pm, I really need to get my ass out of doors...
(no subject)
Apr. 13th, 2004 11:03 amSpent the evening with U. yesterday after dropping the easter bunnies off at my sister's.
On the one hand it was nice, talking about a lot of personal things, family related issues, problems... there's always a kind of basic satisfaction in sharing and knowing you're not alone.
On the other and... there's also a vague, lingering dissatisfaction, when after five hours you've come around full circle to your respective issues with your bodies and society's norms, not that she has so much more reason to complain than I do. And then on to her stormy relationship again.
It's perhaps unfair to feel this when for once (not that I know how long it'll last; or why it happened) I'm in a better place mentally and emotionally, less insecure, but at the same time I couldn't quite help the feeling that at the end of such a conversation there should be, if not a solution, than at least a sense of moving on, of reaching out to something. Saying some things out loud for once certainly is helpful, but the relief doesn't entirely dispel a feeling of stagnation that I sometimes resent even in my own lj entries.
But again, it's unfair to blame someone for doing what I myself have been doing for so long, just because I'm, for whatever reason, lucky enough to feel slightly different at the moment. Solutions, revelations? *shrug* Perhaps they don't exist. Happiness... I've come to think recently that our social values forster entirely unrealistic expectations with the unspoken obligation that you're supposed to be happy all the time, implying that there's something wrong with you if you aren't. I enjoy reading at the moment, different ideas, perspectives of things, thinking, wirting, and this matters to me now.
I don't feel like making myself unhappy, making myself feel deficient because of my lack of relationships. What's the point, after all. It's not as if love will come from angsting about its absence.
I want to be someone I can look in the eye again, that's what matters most at the moment.
I have been going over this for so long in my mind... right now, at this point - maybe it's spring, maybe something else - I kind of want out of this vicious circle of depression and self-hatred. I want to shed this feeling of worthlessness.
(Not that I'd know how to convey this feeling to someone else, so that doesn't help her at all)
[[Note to self, buy potting soil. If nothing else gets done today I might at least re-pott the plant. It has certainly developed plenty of roots by now...]]
[ETA: I'm entirely too familiar with the neagtive mood icons, too... I don't think in almost two years of livejournaling I've ever used hopeful.]
(no subject)
Apr. 9th, 2004 02:06 amJust a mirror for the sun / These Smiling eyes are just a mirror for...
Memories of another person I cared for, but let myself drift away from, because I was too ashamed of the mess I'd made of my life, and my incapability and maybe lack of effort to mend it...
*sigh*
I'd need to go through my zip disks, but I'm pretty sure I lost the saved pages from the campfire thread, and all of the pm's for the matter, in the autumn computer crash...
(no subject)
Mar. 17th, 2004 08:16 pmStrange day... sunny, about 20 (!) degrees (whatever happened to spring?), snow melting fast, but no vegetation out whatsoever, except for the odd bud if you looked closely; the landscape nothing but shades of grey and brown. Riding on paths that were alternately still deeply covered in snow mush or had turned into gurgling rivulets. Quite romantic, actually. The horse, who normally shies away from every puddle, anxious not to wet her feet, bravely stomped through it all, but it wan't exactly fun.
( From Sunday, mostly. I'm lagging behind my own life... )I probably won't have to move, but I actually want to... a few more square meters, now that I can afford them, possibly a small separate sleeping room, space enough for a tv of my own. The thing is, though, if I want to move out, I should start to invest a little more energy into looking; one way or the other I have to decide until May. Like, actually looking at apartments, instead of deciding beforehand that I wouldn't like them anyway.
Note to self, consider this a kick in your butt.
(no subject)
Feb. 22nd, 2004 09:58 pmSo, about Friday. Feeling ambivalent about it, and one thing is certain, I've spent way too much money on the whole thing. And why has it become almost impossible to simply enjoy something, have fun, why am I always so (too) close to the brink of desperation/despair; trying to find the right amount of alcohol to keep me from tripping over the edge.
None of us really set out with the intent to meet someone, but four women, two single, two in relationships that basically suck... when the four free places on our table were occupied by another four women (none of who looked interested or interesting, I might add) we all exchanged looks & heaved a collective sigh. Even if you don't admit it to yourself, in some ways you set up your expectations... that something at least might happen. Which of course it didn't. And then our boss (!!) turned up and R. insisted he dance a waltz with me and... gah. That's where the *the universe hates me* part came in. We left at 1 am as the music turned progressively more melancholy and moved to some place I can't recall the name, where the R. and U. set out to get really drunk, and we all got very silly, and then they insisted we go somewhere else, but at this point the evening really sucked in every way possible... it's not really fun watching other people get drunk, but I didn't feel like joining them, either, not all the way.
Much as I hate to say this, I've come to rather enjoy the buzz of one or two (or more, depending on the length of the evening) glasses of wine, because it makes it possible for me to open up a little, talk about myself. I resent this, because I feel like I *really* shouldn't need it, I should be able to be myself without 'help' of any substance, and if you'd have asked me ten, fifteen years ago, I'd have refused to believe I ever would, but well... here I am. Still, I don't particularly see the point or attraction of crossing the line to totally-smashed,-will-feel-like-utter-shit-the-following-morning, even more so when the morning in question is a work day. I didn't do this at sixteen and sure as hell don't see the need or necessity at thirty-one. Slightly nauseous and slightly dizzy is perfectly enough for me.
Looked at another apartment this afternoon, run-down building, and just about everything wrong that could be, and I think I'm really going to hit the next real estate manager who tells me or at least tries to subtly imply that I won't find anything better for that money. I've not crawled out from under a rock only yesterday, and this is not the first apartment I'm trying to find. I've heard that line before, and funnily enough mostly from those offering the shittiest apartments.
[ETA: I've never considered myself to be an overly materialistic person, but going through all those adds for apartments that, barring unexpected lotto winnings, I'll never, ever in my life be able to afford...it's frustrating. If there isn't sufficient job-satisfaction to balance the scales you start to think about such things.]
Also? I finally got the aatchb dvd, but seem to be unable to access the easter eggs menu. hlah 11:19, press 7 & enter, nothing happens. It doesn't skip to track 7, but I'm not getting anywhere, either. Colour me frustrated. And annoyed.
(no subject)
Jan. 30th, 2004 08:09 pm( apc, sleeping beauty )... which describes just perfectly why I'm not a good person to know on a more than superficial level....
(no subject)
Nov. 23rd, 2003 10:19 pm(This goes back a few days...)
Sometimes I hate dreaming about love; sex (not that it happens all that often). Like yesterday morning. Lost much of the context, but that kiss is still very (uncomfortably) real - almost physical. And what does that say about my life. Sad.
On a not entirely unrelated note...
( Cut for personal issues presumably of rather limited interest to anyone else. )(no subject)
Oct. 28th, 2003 09:39 pmThe longer I think about yesterday's debacle, the more annoyed, and, yes, hurt I feel. I'm aware though that working yourself up into a state after the event isn't really conductive, so I guess I'll try to stick with the original amused reaction.
Still. Still. This was someone I considered a friend of sorts for more than three years. Had fun with. Fought with. Went through a lot of emotional ups and downs with. Trusted enough to share quite a lot personal information with. Someone who certainly did have an impact on my personal development. And the moment he finally gets it through his head I'm not likely to sleep with him, I'm irrelevant as a human being? As a friend? I'm willing to cut him some slack here, because, ok, hurt, drunk, shocked, in whatever order, but this is kind of harsh.
And his reaction made me insecure, made me implicitly also doubt people I care for, if only for a short time, and that I rather resent. Much thanks goes to M* for bringing everything into perspective again.
navel gazing...
Sep. 2nd, 2003 11:52 pmat the moment my relationship with chocolate (cake, ice cream, whatever) is like an alcoholic's with alcohol... don't. even. touch. it. i just don't have enough self-discipline to be, well, disciplined about it. as in, eat only one small piece at a time. impossible. it's either nothing at all, or way too much. so i'm eating lots of fruit in the probably vein hope to get still a little closer to the 60 kilo mark before the christmas season will undo all the work anyway. it's such a bother though. on the one hand i know i should be doing this for myself, my body, my self confidence, yadda yadda, and partly i do feel good, grey trousers fit again, but it always has an element of self punishment to me, it's a fight against my body. it's tiring. but strangely enough in some perversely satisfying way it's that, if anything, what keeps me going...
ai* mails from turkey - she's been working for a tv station and is now working for a company trying to market turkish movies in europe or something. ch* mailed a couple of days ago, teaching classes in california, says she's quite happy. they want to know how i am, what i'm doing. sometimes those polite questions are the most difficult to answer, especially with people who know me a bit. what am i supposed to say? no change, no progress, same idiot job, same lack of social life. sometimes i feel like i might be getting a grip on my life, ever so slowly, but other days it feels more like i'm just kidding myself to make resignation a little less bitter. not worth mentioning, either. sad, embarrassed and so ashamed of myself all at once.
i'm not pointing any fingers at the unfairness of life, because i know perfectly well it's no one's fault except my own, but it makes me feel so worthless.
out with g* yesterday. ours has been a weird on and off sort of friendship, but recently i've been feeling rather good about it. he's annoyed me, i've probably hurt him a lot, but in between i believe i've actually learned something, relationship wise. i used to believe i was sufficiently aware of the fact that life is never ideal, but maybe i also used to tacitly assume my own life might be an exception at least in some respects. i'm still too dependent on harmony, to desperate to be liked.
i've been very open with a few people i considered friends and also in the anonymous setting of my journal, but with him it's something very different. there is no easy harmony taken for granted, and, on my side, for the longest time not enough emotions to give a fight a 'safety net', so to speak. to be perfectly honest, if it weren't for him trying to get in touch again and again, we'd probably have stopped talking altogether at one point. i'm grateful he didn't just let go, because it taught me much about myself. at first when we fought i used to withdraw, because i'm not used to arguing on this level. tact isn't a concept he's really familiar with - something one has to get used to. suddenly i found that i needn't run or close up, but could be honest and openly talk about my feelings, what motivates me, with someone whom i didn't like or trust a hundred percent, and it didn't make me weaker - rather it made me stronger. i've learned the lesson about my tendency to avoid conflicts by running away and hopefully won't repeat it any time soon. we've been through a lot of bad shit, withdrawing and sulking on both sides, throwing pretty personal things at each other, but recently i feel that we've now really sounded our personal depths and could move beyond this and maybe arrive at some kind of real friendship. it's a strange feeling for me, because i used to define friendships differently, to me they implied something that worked much smoother, much more naturally. what we have now is something we've both worked for, he probably more than i, if i am to be perfectly honest.
it's probably a testimony to my utter lack of social skills that it took me so long to figure out such basic things about human interaction...
this is just procrastinating. working on what is going to be a lengthy entry on Thomas Mann's 'Dr Faustus', but i'm just too tired for that level of intellectualism right now...
