solitary_summer | (no subject) (Reply)

Not self-pity, but sometimes I wonder whether - in ways that really matter - I'll ever be anything but alone - maybe that's the way I'm wired and maybe it's too late now to change much about it.

During the last half year or so I've lost some of the negativity, so that it's no longer a downright bad, harmful thing for people to know me, and that's good, in its way, being able, daring to, reach out a little bit... but there are still very narrow limits and I can't help thinking there must be something within my personality that pushes people away, keeps them at arm's length.

Is the fear of being hurt, disappointed, rejected so deeply ingrained to make it impossible for me to trust anyone, let them close, even believe they would be interested in me (on any level, friendship-wise or romantically)?

And perhaps it is also that I have unrealistic expectations and too high ideals, and ultimately, when people fall short of them, more often than not am happier on my own, once the initial pathetic gratitude that someone would actually want to spend time with me fades.

I'm getting a little better at this social small-talk thing, showing interest, or at least pretending to, but I still resent it, and hate resorting to it more than strictly necessary, it seems like such a waste of time, and there's a kind of danger, I think, of losing yourself in that kind of superficiality.

Connection, truth, no lies, no masks. Acceptance. To be ((loved)) for what I am.

Exchange of ideas, change, challenge.

It does happen, very occasionally, just never in a romantic context; but then, how unrealistic is it to expect that, how horribly arrogant?

Sex - I guess sex just isn't very important to me.

Sexual attraction, not that it happens all that often, for me has always been mixed up with - and mostly secondary to - a connection with/interest in someone's personality.

*facepalm*

I'm such a head-case...