solitary_summer | (no subject) (Reply)

God, I'm so, so tired... I semi-promised Ch. I'd ~~drive~~ bike (*sigh*, still no car) out & do something with the horse, but am in no mood whatsoever for it... I'd much rather crawl back into bed with a book.

Considered a hiking tour for the weekend but doubt I'll do it.

And there's a holiday's worth of lj entries to write and catch up with.

On a grumpy / dissatisfied / self-critical note.

Occasionally it kind of bothers me how this journal (and by implication, my life) with almost masturbatory obsession always turns around me, myself & I, and only that.

Why is it so hard for me to reach out, to connect (or, often enough, even wanting to connect, which seems to be the deeper problem) to someone - on any level, social, friendship-y, sexual -, why do I always seem to come across as distanced and cold? (Probably over-intellectual, too, I'm not sure.) But then, the 'coming across as' is only part of the problem, because, let's face it, often enough I am those things... With a few exceptions I'm not one for the big emotions.

Arrogance, self-protection or sheer incapability? A little of everything?

My sister & I had a discussion driving home, going over our (well, her's mostly) circle of friends/acquaintances, why it is that elder daughters always seem so... tied up with their fathers' personalities, issues, neuroses, whatever. Strange.

This relates to the above because my father is just that kind of person, and while there are some of his faults I think I can avoid, sadly I've no idea whatsoever how I should go about changing what seems to be very much a deeply ingrained personality trait (defect).... not only have my school teachers always remarked that, according to my mother even the kindergarten teacher would tell her that I'd play with children when they came to me, but that I'd never approach anyone.

How do you change a pattern of behaviour that must have developed during a part of your life you barely have any memory of?

Ah well. Between one thing and another it turned 1 pm, I really need to get my ass out of doors...