solitary_summer | (no subject) (Reply)

(This goes back a few days...)

Sometimes I hate dreaming about love; sex (not that it happens all that often). Like yesterday morning. Lost much of the context, but that kiss is still very (uncomfortably) real - almost physical. And what does that say about my life. Sad.

On a not entirely unrelated note...

The thing about the recent, er, disagreement with G. (Who, at this point, only drops in to collect his corrected paper and inform me that another article of his has been accepted. Or to ask me to tape the rugby WM finale for him. I haven't quite decided yet if that's a pretext not to sever contact entirely or if I'm just a conveniently available idiot, and haven't refused so far on the off-chance that it's the former, but I'm getting progressively more annoyed and can't be very gracious or enthusiastic about his academic successes right now. Did he really think I read the xth version about how J. Vene was trying to educate his readers for the intellectual interest? Not to go as far as to say it interested me as much he is interested in my diss, because you'd have to chose a subject like, well, tax law to find something that'd bore me on the scale he repeatedly professed to be bored by (insert his groan, accompanied by eye-rolling) greco-persian art, but really, it was more like 50% friendship, 25% guilty conscience and 25% I'm an idiot who just can't say no if someone asks.) But anyway. The problem is that some of the things he said actually made me wonder about myself. Made me unsure.

What if I'm really a lesbian-in-denial?

On the one hand, I've been in love (believed myself in love?) with guys, quite painfully in love, too. And I always thought myself to be a very open-minded person in this respect, so I don't really think it'd be very likely I'd gone that deep in denial without even consciously noticing.

On the other hand, I don't exactly have much to actually show for heterosexuality, either. I don't fall in love easily and there's an undeniable trend to chose (chose?) people remote or unlikely to be available for other reasons. (My sister once told me every time someone liked her she was already half in love, and U. said something very similar. If anything, it apparently is exactly the reverse for me.) I have noticed this, but believed it to be due to my insecurity and fear of taking risks. Trying to protect myself from real disappointments.

And really... love? Lots of vague feelings...

Pure sexual attraction (not just finding someone attractive, but really *wanting* them) seems to be even rarer. Even with Ai. it was only after I discovered we had a sort of mental connection that I moved from finding her vaguely cute to... where sitting across her at the table her breath on my hand suddenly was the most erotic thing. Maybe that's just the way I'm wired.

I've already admitted to myself that the complicated and conflicted relationship (or lack thereof) I have with my father has been (probably still is) an important factor in my life. There have at least been two vague kind of crushes that in hindsight probably were a search for a more adequate kind of father figure. Now my father used to be somewhat anti-gay, not that the topic came up all that often. And he apparently used to believe (once brought up in a shouting match and never addressed after) that my best friend at school and for years after was actually my girlfriend. I still don't believe the attraction was sexual, but is it possible that I might have subconsciously picked up his resentment and tried to conform? Did he see clearer than I did?

Almost all my favourite authors or artists are / were gay.

Am I just asexual? Emotionally stunted, incapable of real closeness to anyone? Shy to the point of being incapacitated?

Or have I lived a good part of my life without knowing who I really am?

Or maybe I should get over myself and just accept that sexuality is more fluid than all that. Stop with the over-analysing and go out & get a life.

But sometimes I can't help wondering. If I'll ever love someone who'll love me back... Have a deep connection to another person that really matters. I'm not so naive any longer to be waiting for the fairy tale prince to come and rescue me; I know the current situation is probably my fault, but i don't know how to change that, either. Where to start even.

Because I don't exactly agonise about being lonely, I'm mostly rather content to be that way - and sometimes I think that might (should?) be almost scary in itself - that I don't even know what I'm missing, because I lack the data to compare.