solitary_summer | (no subject) (Reply)

So, about Friday. Feeling ambivalent about it, and one thing is certain, I've spent way too much money on the whole thing. And why has it become almost impossible to simply enjoy something, have fun, why am I always so (too) close to the brink of desperation/despair; trying to find the right amount of alcohol to keep me from tripping over the edge.

None of us really set out with the intent to meet someone, but four women, two single, two in relationships that basically suck... when the four free places on our table were occupied by another four women (none of who looked interested or interesting, I might add) we all exchanged looks & heaved a collective sigh. Even if you don't admit it to yourself, in some ways you set up your expectations... that something at least might happen. Which of course it didn't. And then our boss (!!) turned up and R. insisted he dance a waltz with me and... gah. That's where the *the universe hates me* part came in. We left at 1 am as the music turned progressively more melancholy and moved to some place I can't recall the name, where the R. and U. set out to get really drunk, and we all got very silly, and then they insisted we go somewhere else, but at this point the evening really sucked in every way possible... it's not really fun watching other people get drunk, but I didn't feel like joining them, either, not all the way.

Much as I hate to say this, I've come to rather enjoy the buzz of one or two (or more, depending on the length of the evening) glasses of wine, because it makes it possible for me to open up a little, talk about myself. I resent this, because I feel like I *really* shouldn't need it, I should be able to be myself without 'help' of any substance, and if you'd have asked me ten, fifteen years ago, I'd have refused to believe I ever would, but well... here I am. Still, I don't particularly see the point or attraction of crossing the line to totally-smashed,-will-feel-like-utter-shit-the-following-morning, even more so when the morning in question is a work day. I didn't do this at sixteen and sure as hell don't see the need or necessity at thirty-one. Slightly nauseous and slightly dizzy is perfectly enough for me.

Looked at another apartment this afternoon, run-down building, and just about everything wrong that could be, and I think I'm really going to hit the next real estate manager who tells me or at least tries to subtly imply that I won't find anything better for that money. I've not crawled out from under a rock only yesterday, and this is not the first apartment I'm trying to find. I've heard that line before, and funnily enough mostly from those offering the shittiest apartments.

[ETA: I've never considered myself to be an overly materialistic person, but going through all those adds for apartments that, barring unexpected lotto winnings, I'll never, ever in my life be able to afford...it's frustrating. If there isn't sufficient job-satisfaction to balance the scales you start to think about such things.]

Also? I finally got the aatchb dvd, but seem to be unable to access the easter eggs menu. hlah 11:19, press 7 & enter, nothing happens. It doesn't skip to track 7, but I'm not getting anywhere, either. Colour me frustrated. And annoyed.