solitary_summer | (no subject) (Reply)

A little (or perhaps not so little?) thing that has bugged me for some time...

What with the recent change, shift of perspective, whatever you want to call it, in my life and the resulting more positive attitude towards myself & my surroundings, I thought I might join

_thankyou_ - it seemed like a good idea, trying to become more aware of the good things in life.

I still haven't posted there yet.

Certainly there are things and people, experiences I appreciate, but it is impossible somehow for me to identify the emotion as gratitude. Love, appreciation, enjoyment; but not gratitude. Something within me balks...., I'm not sure why. It's not that I feel entitled to whatever positive things are/happen in my life, that I believe I deserved better, or take anything for granted (or do I?); it's more like... life is what it is, and I'm not sure whether gratitude makes any difference... No, probably not quite true, because I have always believed and still do so, that a positive, open personality/outlook on life is important and can make a difference.

Or perhaps gratitude would imply that I owe something, and I resent being indebted, because it would infringe my freedom, would bind me tighter to life, or to specific people, than I care to? Is it so important for me to have the questionable security of being able to get up and leave at any time? I'm I so shit-scared of the depth of my own feelings that I have to keep everyone and everything at an arm's length? Is this a more recent thing, or have I always been like that?

It would, of course, perfectly explain my inability to form any kind of relationship...

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with the strange, isolated & probably rather scary place that is my mind...