solitary_summer: (abarat. dragon)

It's amazing how my father can still off-handedly destroy my sketchy self-confidence and balance, probably out of sheer thoughtlessness, without even meaning to.

And there I am, always feeling guilty when I can't be as kind and affectionate towards him as I'd like to be. No more, though. No more.

.:.:.:.


[TM diaries]

Der Traum ist im Grunde nicht von schlechterer Substanz, als das wirkliche Erlebnis, das sich auch abschwächt und verfliegt, in die Vergangenheit sinkt u. auch nur noch Traum ist. (3. 2. 52)

Strange. Sad, too. Not true, I'd like to hope. Though recently when my memory kept bringing up dream fragments and fragments of real memories indifferently, I was in fact wondering whether my mind made any distinction at all between them.
solitary_summer: (abarat. tower)

Fell asleep, book, contacts, lights on.
Woke up at about midnight, too tired to do anything but go straight back to sleep again.
Woke up again at 3 am, somewhat more awake, removed the contacts, brushed teeth etc.
[Turned on the computer for no reason, checked livejournal and noticed someone had friended me. This morning that person had disappeared again. *blinks* I'd say I'd been imagining the whole thing, if the user-info url weren't stored on my browser's history; must be about the fastest friending/defriending in the history of livejournal.]

Went back to sleep again and dreamt that I was moving into a house by the sea, which would have been wonderful, except that I was apparently moving in there with my family, which was... not so good, in a claustrophobic, scary way. And then suddenly there were all those other people, looking like they'd come straight from some gloomy, severe (scandinavian? but why?) painting, or play... Strange.

However, the landscape and view were beautiful, I could hear the waves breaking on the shore, and there were seals, too..


[ETA: Lacking an English grammar, a question to the native speakers: is 'dreamed' or 'dreamt' the correct form, or are both acceptable? Is this another UK/US thing? For some reason I'm leaning towards 'dreamt', but lj spell-check doesn't recognise it...]
solitary_summer: (abarat.night)

Dreamt about A., meeting her again. Suddenly there was this powerful sexual attraction where we just couldn't keep our hands away from each other, and we were asking ourselves whether we'd drifted apart because of that... (Her hair was darker, but otherwise it was really, vividly her, not some dream version.)

[Not true, though, to the best of my knowledge, as far as I'm concerned at least.]

There was more, me trying to escape from somewhere on a ship, swimming, watching it move silently and without lights through the night, but I don't remember much of it. (Except for a brief moment where they wouldn't allow me on board because I had some acidic stuff on my boots, and when I looked down it'd started to eat a hole into them and started to get at my toes... Strange.)



Stupid daylight saving time, btw. It shouldn't be 10 already, this kind of messed up my plans for today...
solitary_summer: (abarat. tower)

For some reason I find it almost frightening when images from dreams I had a long time ago suddenly and without any provocation surface in my mind, very distinct and clear... it begs the question, what is happening in this strangle place my brain, what an amazing mass of data must be stored there, if such extremely random things are, only I can't consciously access any of it. Or maybe... I think it's part of a dream I remember, but maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, like with déjà vus...


Rain all day, depressing; also I'm feeling strangely emotional recently... yesterday browsing through a book of oriental poetry at work, reading a couple of Persian love poems was enough to make me melancholy... :: shakes head @ self :: Spring maybe, even if it's not exactly happening at the moment. I think I want to fall in love, except, with whom?
solitary_summer: (Default)

It's not like one can control what one's subconscious mind decides to bring up while sleeping (or anyway I haven't mastered lucid dreaming yet), but this dream... :: shakes head :: I'm feeling almost guilty. Whatever could have triggered a complex, lengthy dream-scenario where my sister was trying to kill me?!. I love my sister... weird.
solitary_summer: (Default)

There are some dreams... vivid, but so strange that you can't even begin to describe them, because words, unless maybe you were to write a whole novel, just fall flat... my dreams often enough are an all too obvious reflection of real events in my life, but those dreams that bear little or no connection to it (as far as I can see), they're like a glimpse of something... beyond? outside? inside?



solitary_summer: (Default)

Towards morning I remember bringing myself out of a dream twice by telling myself it was only a dream; not real: it didn't matter: it was a relief each time, though neither dream was particularly nightmarish. The first one was longer (some sort of prison/fortress??), most of which I don't remember, but ended with me having an aquarium with some strange fish, which almost died because the water suddenly ran very low; one (a pale, almost amphibian looking one with those whisker things) was already floating belly-up, but it revived again. The second dream ended in some sort of school/class reunion; I was late for something, but again the thought that it didn't really matter eased the anxiety.

I'm not sure whether I really woke myself up, or just moved to another dream-level.

Neither dream seemed particularly noteworthy when I woke up, but under the shower it occurred to me that that was exactly the attitude I'd been taking towards most of my own life until not so very long ago - it didn't matter; and it used to bring the same kind of relief. Eerie.
solitary_summer: (Default)

dream fragments )


The light can be incredible here in winter, cold and clear; when I drove out the morning sun dipped everything in gold, reflected on windows, traffic signs and wet roads, bringing out intense colours in everything; hills lightly dusted with snow already. The further west I drove though, the more overcast it became, when I arrived at the stables it was snowing already quite hard. Dragged a horse that looked at me like I was insane out for an half hour walk through 15 cm of fluffy new snow; romantic, if kind of exhausting - for me, that is; scrambling through old leaves and branches across uneven ground covered by snow; snow getting into my DocMartens and everything...

Three hours of work, some horribly annoying customers; and I still haven't decided whether I should attend the company Christmas party, which has been scheduled for the 23rd, of all days.

I'm so very tired already, and haven't been sleeping enough either, but I'm somehow reluctant to spend so much of what little time I still have left for myself sleeping...
solitary_summer: (Default)

Strange dream I had this morning between the alarm going off and me actually waking up an hour later...

... )

Woke up and the room was actually light for once, after days and days of dense fogs and gloom; a clear morning, storm shaking the bare trees in the yard, chasing the clouds over the sky, glimpses of blue and sun. During the day it clouded over with a slight rain, but it was a cold and clear night when I came home, moon and stars out.


Andromeda season 3 finale. Just. Wow. I have no words. Or rather, I actually have quite a lot of words but won't be able to turn them into a comprehensive and coherent post tonight and still get up in time for a whole day of Christmas cookie baking tomorrow. Need to sleep, badly.

Suffice it to say that it almost - almost - reconciled me with a lot of the 3rd season crap, but really, would it have hurt them (other than KS's ego that is - presumably) to let KHC bring out the Shakespeare like that more often... it would have vastly improved the series.

Prepared one of tomorrow's cookies, then got stuck in front of the tv watching 'Billy Elliott', which was really quite good and not too cliched; some very touching moments and the kid who played Billy was amazing.
solitary_summer: (Default)

[ Meep. I had a Smallville dream this morning just before waking up. ]
solitary_summer: (Default)

(This goes back a few days...)

Sometimes I hate dreaming about love; sex (not that it happens all that often). Like yesterday morning. Lost much of the context, but that kiss is still very (uncomfortably) real - almost physical. And what does that say about my life. Sad.


On a not entirely unrelated note...

Cut for personal issues presumably of rather limited interest to anyone else. )
solitary_summer: (Default)

[ typed & edited 2003 - 11-23 ]
[note: strange, how many fragments from other, earlier, dreams came back to me while I was typing this...]



dream fragments )

Woke up slightly confused and disconnected, but I still prefer this to the irritating sense of having missed something important when I just know I'd dreamt very vividly, but am unable to recall a single image.


It was warm today - last week felt already like winter, today was almost like spring rather than autumn. 15˚C, deep blue sky fading to a light turquoise streaked with wisps of white clouds, sunlight, dark, vivid colours.

Such unseasonable warmth used to depress me with its implications of climate changes, but recently I tend to rather enjoy it in spite of that. The cold isn't just physical - it's like it freezes me inside, too, emotionally, mentally...
solitary_summer: (Default)

Woke up today totally disorientated, suddenly jerked - i think - out of some intense dream. I cannot even be sure, though, as I remember nothing at all, not even snatches came back later (they usually do). This has kind of bugged me all day, the vague feeling that there was something (something important, even) I was supposed to know, to remember, but didn't.

Weird.
solitary_summer: (Default)

Another dream fragment.... I was on holiday, seaside, somewhere, Greece? not sure. We were going to the beach, but there were sewage pipes there, going right into the sea, disgusting. We discovered there was another beach, very picturesque, but it was forbidden to swim beyond a certain point, where the entrance to (exit from) the bay was closed by a sort of rope. The sea beyond did look a little dangerous, but that didn't make it any less irritating to me. But I stayed inside.


:: sigh :: This is kind of obvious, come to think of it. Story of my life.



And why do I continue eating those rice cakes? This package is especially disgusting - they taste like cardboard.

:: sips fruit tea. thoughtfully ::
solitary_summer: (Default)

I don't feel too good, despite having slept for 10 hrs or so. I rarely have nightmares, but I think this might qualify as one. Woke up, finally having escaped, still trying to find the Austrian embassy to get a passport, anything, to get out. The escaping part wasn't that bad, as no one seemed to actually pursue me or even pay me much attention, even while I was walking through prison cell blocks (head down, carrying some books, looking like I was supposed to be somewhere) just... when I realised they were going to lock me up in some prison / psychiatric facility for no reason (or no logical connection to the dream so far; but then dreams aren't logical), just because they could and I was probably never going to get out. That was bad. Then I ran.


Need another coffee.


I should get out today, do something. I really should.
solitary_summer: (Default)

Slept for eleven hours, dreamt about snakes before waking up. My sister and I were in Maishofen (or rather its dream variety). Garage door not working, broken horizontally, giving way and denting the the car when I tried to close it. There was a snake, Ma* said it was a Ringelnatter, not sure if this is at all likely. I chased it away and it almost got run over by a random person biking by. When it slithered into the grass on the side of the road I thought there was something odd about it and realised it had two tails. Then there were two or three other snakes, rolled up in the yard, apparently sleeping, but raising their heads when we gave them a closer look, and then we looked at the next house and there were lots and lots of them, big ones, crawling up the wall, getting into a first floor widow. Suddenly you almost couldn't put your foot down without stepping on one. We rushed inside, but the interior of the house was suddenly changed, too, the staircase very narrow, labyrinthine, we almost didn't make it up to our apartment with our bulky baggage.

More dream fragments, but nothing definite. Weird. Me trying to get somewhere, but not being able to find my way at a very complex crossroads, lots of confusing, contradicting, nonsensical roadsigns...


Did nothing much all day, wallowing in lethargy.

And I just slept another four hours and am still? again? feeling tired. Strange dreams again. Weird. :: shakes head :: That, or it's time for hibernation. :: sips coffee ::

Unique interests (the ones not one of 1.413.262 lj users shares). I remember seeing that in someone's lj and found it quite interesting... )

It's 1:35 am, I guess I should go to bed.. ? :: blinks :: Sleeping at odd hours during the day always upsets my internal clock.
solitary_summer: (Default)

:: shivers ::

It's cold in here. I'm hesistant to turn up the heat already, though. I have a 30 m2 apartment with three large, not exactly well isolated windows - the gas bill is horrendous. I've only just managed to slightly reduce it last year by being very economic, though 15C isn't really my temperature of choice.

I'm not looking forward to having to move this spring, but it'd be nice to wear less than 3 sweaters in winter.


Since czaria mentions dreams... I dreamt of skiing again this morning. It doesn't happen very often, but it's the only recurring dream I have (or maybe rather remember having). The scenario varies, even the mood might vary, but it keeps turning up again and again. This time my dream-self was convinced I was in the US though I've no idea how I came up with that, especially as I've never been there. The landscape wasn't typically Austrian, to be sure, but I've no way of telling if it resembled any place in the US at all. Strange. With most of my dreams it's rather (often painfully) obvious my subconscious mind is trying to deal with stuff that happens in my life, problems, whatever, but the meaning or reason of the skiing dream are entirely unclear to me.
solitary_summer: (Default)

put off driving to Maishofen until tomorrow; at some point yesterday evening between the pasta and the water melon desert i decided i was just too tired to pack (and preferably not forget anything essential), tidy up two flats, water the flowers etc, etc, etc and still get up early the next day to escape the worst of the heat.

(i'll try to get a very early start tomorrow, though, they're expecting temperatures up to 34C, and for one thing i don't really fancy being cooked in the car, for another i'm kind of paranoid about driving on motorways in such a heat. we've had an accident with a tyre burst, complete with the car turning over and everything, when i was a child and the same happened to my sister a few years ago. no damage in either case except that both cars were totaled, but still... )

~oOo~


was watching 'Mountains of the Moon' yesterday while doing the ironing, which i found quite intriguing in parts (the movie, not the ironing, obviously). despite putting maybe more emphasis on the differences in character and aims between the two men (Speke the ambitious, self centered imperialist, Burton the open minded explorer and scholar) than is historically accurate, the movie never resorts to black and white painting, but is content to simply tell the story of the complex and unlikely (occasionally uneasy) bond between the two men, that was possible under the extreme conditions of their journey, but could not survive in a 'civilised' environment with its social norms and restrictions.

despite the movies intentions, to me Burton's character fell a bit flat for the most part, maybe because he's so obviously the 'good guy'. Speke i found more interesting, even while he's not portrayed as a likable character at all; arrogant, emotional, rash, neither very intellectual nor given to introspection, equally quick to believe the worst of Burton (especially when it suits his ambition) as to rush into what must have appeared to him the only solution when he found he'd misjudged the situation and betrayed someone who still considered him a friend. (the movie rather unequivocally suggests his death was suicide.)

what i loved was the final scene, where this sculptor comes to Burton with the still fresh death mask he's made for the bust ordered by Speke's family and and asks him if it resembles the living man, and Burton brushes aside the concerns of his wife trying to protect him, and without any hesitation at all reworks the still wet clay into the face he remembers. emotional and restrained at once, very touching.

~oOo~


on a side note, i hope Trent has some kind of hit counter installed on the nin.com pages and is curently laughing his ass off at the number of people obsessively checking and rechecking, staring at pages by degrees turning to black or white respectively. then at least someone would get some amusement out of this...

~oOo~


:: pries herself off the computer in order to get some cleaning & packing done ::

~oOo~


eta: memory flashback. i almost never remember dreams when i wake up, but bits & pieces tend to come back while sipping coffee, showering, brushing my teeth...

weird dream. kind of nightmarish, but not. sort of self revelation. the demon (?) was part of myself, talking to me, trying to tell me something important. (so i'm dreaming Clive Barker style now. :: cough ::) who was the woman i was explaining this to, trying to convince her? i knew her in the dream, but can't remember. a* was there too, i was kind of trying to mend our friendship, or at least talk about what happened, but i don't think much came off it.. don't remember.

boats? some kind of channel?

solitary_summer: (Default)

i keep dreaming about the vacation & Denmark since i came back... these vivid surreal dreams where you just know where you are, even if it doesn't really resemble the actual place, but is merely loosely based experiences....

walking through a park with ? (hazy)

pointing out the island i wanted to travel to on a map...

flowers breaking through the paving of the hallway.... (large bluebells. something else.)

someone hiding in my hotel room.

thunderstorms, rain on the sea...

a ship that changed into a train?

sharks... caught ? with a price tag ?

walking away from the station, looking back at the buildings along the harbour...



[i remember dreaming of a* once in copenhagen... maybe i should try talk to her, after all, if my subconscious mind still keeps bringing her up....]

solitary_summer: (Default)

Riyadh, Casablanca, Jerusalem... is it me or is the 'war against terror' not quite going according to plan?... unless of course the plan was to create more terror in order to have a reason for further military interventions....



dreamt i was flying to spain. weird. never even considered it... packed all my old clothes i haven't worn in years...

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