life without a plot

Updating from Salzburg; I took Fri. off and drove here Thu. evening after work, which was a bit stressful especially as I don't really like driving in the dark, not even on the Autobahn, but totally worth it. The first two days were painfully beautiful, a cloudless blue sky, sunny, warm, snow on the mountains and every shade of brown, gold, yellow and green below; I biked to Golling on Fri. and took a lot of pictures in the Bluntautal (will upload some when I'm home again, since the internet connection here is slower than a hibernating snail). Sat. I drove to Werfen to see the castle, which was picturesque enough, but the guided tour was rather frustrating and I definitely had a 'what am I doing standing in a chilly dungeon looking at torture instruments and listening to a guide - "stay by the group, please" - whose boredom with his text at the end of the tourist season was palpable, when it's gorgeous and warm outside' moment and then got out as soon as possible and went for a walk for a couple of hours.

Yesterday I drove to Hallstatt; it was still warm enough for a t-shirt and light jacket, but cloudy and windy and the leaves were falling fast around me, torn from the trees. I didn't visit anything, because I really wanted to be outside, walking, moving, not stuck in some museum; walked up the Salzberg, and then back to Halstatt via another path, and in the middle of all that found a perfect spot for a lunchbreak (a package of Manerschnitten, how clicheed can you get?) with a great view across the lake. Sometimes it really pays being aimless and curious and following unmarked paths. Then spent an hour or so walking through the town, which is adorably picturesque in the 'who do I have to kill to get a house here' way, although you probably have to fend off the tourists with a stick during the summer months.

I thought finding my way out of the Salzkammergut in the more or less pitch-dark (thank you, sudden lack of daylight saving time) was already hard, but I only took a wrong turn once; Salzburg was the tricky part. I barely can navigate my way through the city in daytime; in the dark it's a nightmare. It took me at least half an hour, a couple of what I assume were illegal turns, taking the bus lane once or twice (again, I think; it's a bit hard to tell when it's dark, there are construction sites, markings are changed and over-painted...) and several panicky moments until I found my way back home.

I actually had plans for today (Königssee), but the weather was overcast, I was tired after three days of activity and depressed because of having to leave again tomorrow, so I aimlessly watched TV, read a bit, did Russian homework, and generally speaking wasted the day because doing anything suddenly didn't seem worth it since it was the last day anyway and that thought was more bearable shut up inside. A room is a room is a room. It really makes me wonder why is it so hard for me to enjoy something; why everything is always overshadowed by the thought that it won't last and will be over again too soon. Why can't I ever be content with what is? Why do I always want more? I've always been like that, even as a child, but it really stuck me that maybe spending six months thinking and writing about death wasn't the most psychologically healthy thing for me to do. (And even worse, does it invalidate what I wrote when it becomes so blatantly obvious that I'm working through my own issues?) I should be taking strength and inspiration from doing things I love doing, but instead doing something that actually matters merely makes the rest of my life harder to stand...


(The one book I read during this brief holiday? Janne Teller's Nichts. I'm really not helping myself here. *sigh*)

Quick summary of, er, since I last updated. (Funny how every time I make a big dramatic post about OMGjournalingblock&self-hatred, updating suddenly becomes easier...)

Around All Saints Day I took a couple of days off for a four days trip to Salzburg, where I took a lot of walks as well as a lot of photographs, and felt, if not exactly happy, at least mostly relaxed and content and a bit more like breathing freely.



( a few more pictures )

Also watched S5 finishing my B5 marathon and I cried through the best part Sleeping In Light from the moment Susan gets Sheridan's letter, which must be a new record. One might think I'd have become a bit desensitised by the third or fourth time, but apparently I'm getting even more sentimental in my old age. ::sigh::

Surprisingly enough I found I liked - the telepath[s of the very glossy hair, and does it come with the gene?]-arc aside - S5 best of all, maybe because it's the most grittily realistic. Maybe I've become too old and cynical, or maybe it's the spirit of the time and we've all become harder and more disillusioned, but at times throughout the earlier seasons I caught myself thinking that this would never work out, people are just never that idealistic, self-less and heroic and not the least bit corrupted by the power the wield. (And I guess MJS must have been aware of that potential problem, or he wouldn't have gone to such lengths to establish Sheridan and Delenn's personal integrity, not to mention Sheridan's personal memento mori.)

The character I most identify with is still Garibaldi, Sinclair can be surprisingly, dare I say it, hot on occasion, and somehow Ivanonva doesn't live up to the memories I have from when I watched the show on tv.



( reading: Naomi Novik: Empire Of Ivory, Perihan Maǧden: Two Girls, Clive Barker, Mister B. Gone )


Since then, work, procrastinating (as usual), two birthday cakes (cheesecake for B. and M. at work, apple cake for my father), a bit of a lingering cold, more work with books arriving at the last possible moment or later, skipped Spanish class & belly dancing class this week because I was too tired and sick, with a sudden pain in my back/right hip to add to the general miserableness, snow, cold, heat in my apartment not working when I tried to turn it on Saturday (repair guy comes tomorrow), being wrapped in blankets with a hot water bottle as a result, starting to watch the Hornblower DVDs I bought a while back, and while it's a bit like O'Brian light, the boy is ridculously pretty as well as heroic, and it's fairly enjoyable to watch...