(no subject)

part of me wants to curl up, hide in here, never having to see or talk to anybody again.

part of me wants - desperately - someone to hug me, hold me, tell me that it's going to be alright, i'm going to be alright. that my life has not been wasted, that i'm still *worth* something. worth liking, worth loving maybe.

because right now, i can't convince myself of that, and, strangely enough, i *do* care. last year's *it doesn't matter* mantra doesn't work, and maybe i don't really want it to, either...


it would be so much easier if i could still say with conviction that i wanted to die - i can't; i don't. but i can't bear to look at my life, my future, either, because i see NOTHING there. blankness, endless repetition. solitude.

(no subject)

Oookay... feeling a little more composed now, as of mid-afternoon. The morning was still pretty very bad, I thoroughly dusted all the bookshelves just to avoid having to talk to anyone - or as much as is possible during the Christmas season. Wanting to hurt - hurt badly, insert gory fantasy of your choice - every single customer who asked me something.

I don't know why I'm so over-emotional recently, and in the worst way possible, too. I've been at a point where I'd have welcomed any emotion, but this isn't too pleasant either... This morning I wanted nothing so much as call my mother and whine about how I couldn't bear it any longer. 31 yrs. Pathetic.


But over-reaction and Christmas stress aside, I'll have to deal with the problem at the core of the whole drama, if/when(?) at one point I'm going to decide not to live from day to day only. This job isn't too unpleasant, but it has no perspective, none whatsoever. I'm not sure I'm willing to resign myself to or can face a future entirely lacking in intellectual challenges or personal satisfaction in one's job except of the most superficial kind.


But then again, what other choices do I have? And will I ever find it within myself to abandon my passivity and make myself care enough?


And I still have the urge to get very drunk...

(no subject)

Hmmyess... Just found out that A Perfect Circle will be playing in Vienna, Jan 27th...

Going to get a ticket, well, not first thing, because that'll be the annoying weekly checking-on-the-horse-duty and at least a couple of hours of work after that, but definitely tomorrow...