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Oookay... feeling a little more composed now, as of mid-afternoon. The morning was still pretty very bad, I thoroughly dusted all the bookshelves just to avoid having to talk to anyone - or as much as is possible during the Christmas season. Wanting to hurt - hurt badly, insert gory fantasy of your choice - every single customer who asked me something.

I don't know why I'm so over-emotional recently, and in the worst way possible, too. I've been at a point where I'd have welcomed any emotion, but this isn't too pleasant either... This morning I wanted nothing so much as call my mother and whine about how I couldn't bear it any longer. 31 yrs. Pathetic.


But over-reaction and Christmas stress aside, I'll have to deal with the problem at the core of the whole drama, if/when(?) at one point I'm going to decide not to live from day to day only. This job isn't too unpleasant, but it has no perspective, none whatsoever. I'm not sure I'm willing to resign myself to or can face a future entirely lacking in intellectual challenges or personal satisfaction in one's job except of the most superficial kind.


But then again, what other choices do I have? And will I ever find it within myself to abandon my passivity and make myself care enough?


And I still have the urge to get very drunk...

Date: 2003-12-02 11:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] czaria.livejournal.com
That sounds a lot like my old friend, Fear. She gets in my way a lot too. Still trying to figure out how to send her packing for good.

Date: 2003-12-02 02:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitary-summer.livejournal.com
Probably. Fear of failing mostly, of being less than perfect. Apparently so much internalised that most of the times I won't even try...

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