(no subject)
Aug. 5th, 2010 10:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
solitary_summerI think maybe I should update again? How can it have been a month already?
But I really don't want to hear (or see) myself talk. So many words to chose from, so many things one theoretically could say, in so many variations, but in the end I wonder, does it mean anything at all? Somehow I'm less and less inclined to bother. I feel I'm getting more and more... not exactly misanthropic, it's not that I hate anyone. But I was in Salzburg for two and a half weeks, and in all this time I talked to my mother on the phone three times (she called), but other than that, shops, bus, the guy who was so busy with his iPod that our bikes collided, the lady who asked after a restaurant, nothing else. Silence. No one wanted anything from me, no one expected me to talk to them. Bliss. I used my iPod exactly once at the end of a walk, and the one time I put a CD into the CD player in the car after a hiking tour I turned it off again after half a song. Silence.
It wasn't a great holiday otherwise, because either it was too hot to do anything except maybe go biking for a few hours in the evening, or raining, and I was so absolutely tired and without energy for anything that I didn't even read a lot, but the last day, walking through Salzburg and around the Mönchsberg I felt... still strangely empty, but also very peaceful, a moment of clarity. But then I had to drive home again, and back to work the next day, and it's gone again, buried in the daily meaninglessness.
I'm aware this probably isn't healthy and that I should interact more, but I just can't deal. And it's not as if I have anything to say, after all. I don't want to entirely drift away from lj too, and just now it feels like I easily could. Mostly finished DW/TW meta somewhat withstanding, but still...
But I really don't want to hear (or see) myself talk. So many words to chose from, so many things one theoretically could say, in so many variations, but in the end I wonder, does it mean anything at all? Somehow I'm less and less inclined to bother. I feel I'm getting more and more... not exactly misanthropic, it's not that I hate anyone. But I was in Salzburg for two and a half weeks, and in all this time I talked to my mother on the phone three times (she called), but other than that, shops, bus, the guy who was so busy with his iPod that our bikes collided, the lady who asked after a restaurant, nothing else. Silence. No one wanted anything from me, no one expected me to talk to them. Bliss. I used my iPod exactly once at the end of a walk, and the one time I put a CD into the CD player in the car after a hiking tour I turned it off again after half a song. Silence.
It wasn't a great holiday otherwise, because either it was too hot to do anything except maybe go biking for a few hours in the evening, or raining, and I was so absolutely tired and without energy for anything that I didn't even read a lot, but the last day, walking through Salzburg and around the Mönchsberg I felt... still strangely empty, but also very peaceful, a moment of clarity. But then I had to drive home again, and back to work the next day, and it's gone again, buried in the daily meaninglessness.
I'm aware this probably isn't healthy and that I should interact more, but I just can't deal. And it's not as if I have anything to say, after all. I don't want to entirely drift away from lj too, and just now it feels like I easily could. Mostly finished DW/TW meta somewhat withstanding, but still...
