(no subject)

[solitary_summer]

Grumpy, tired & in a foul mood for no apparent reason ever since I crawled out of bed at about 9:30, after more than ten hours of sleep. Maybe yesterday is catching up with me, though I didn't feel the stress then, and M.'s generally pissy mood was rather an enticement to remain balanced, strong and at least moderately cheerful. It'll pass... at the latest she'll snap out of it after Christmas. As a general rule I've decided not to let things I cannot change shake my equilibrium or really get at me; at least not things of the ultimately rather negligible importance of work-related issues.

[Stormy, I enjoyed unpacking the books with the wind whipping through the narrow street, tearing at my hair; an exhilarating touch of wilderness in the ordered city environment.]

However, I'm getting really, really sick of the weekly check-on-the-horse thing, when I can (and in all likelihood this won't change in the foreseeable future) do nothing but walk her, or maybe trot for a hundred meters or so. No canter, no real work on the dressage square, no nothing. On the other hand I'd be feeling (justifiably, I guess) guilty, if I should leave Ch. in the lurch now, but on the (third? well, there's always Zaphod Beeblebrox) hand, I'm at the end of my already severely strained patience.

Sunny, but with a cutting icy northern wind, and days like this I'm seriously playing with the thought (if that isn't a contradiction in terms) of moving to a more southern climate... Except that I can't really stand heat either. ::le sigh::

Days like this, a hard blue sky and the landscapes sharply edged and crystal clear in the sunlight... when I'm in a contrary mood to begin with, it tends to depress me, make me feel inadequate somehow; and after what soavezefiretto said, I'll never be able to look up at such blue skies again and not think of the dark of the infinite universe stretching out beyond...


Strange, vivid and not quite erotic (love, not sex) dream about someone from school I haven't see or thought about in years and certainly never entertained a sexual thought about. Then there was a kind of theatre, ascending row of seats like in ancient greek theatres, and lots of snakes crawling out from under them, smaller ones, but really big ones, too... very strange. (Not nightmarish though, since I'm not afraid of snakes.)

Also recently my more sexual dreams (such as they are: infrequent as far as I remember and not spectacular) seem to be predominantly queer... not that I've got a problem with that (my main problem is connecting with people at all on some deeper emotional level; never mind sex or gender for the moment), but I don't quite know what to make of it, or what triggered it; I've been in a kind of asexual limbo for so long, it's such an abstract question, in a way....

[On a side-note - I dream in colour; I've never given it much thought, but since I came across someone mentioning the colour vs. black/white question I've tried to remember.]


soavezefiretto also made me think about language and journaling; the possibility of writing in German, which should come more naturally after all, and why I avoid it... Part of it, and I guess there's no use denying it, is a rather pathetic craving for attention; on one level this journal and its concerns are very personal, I'm not trying to create an image or a persona, but on an other level it also is a kind of message in a bottle. But my paper diary back in the day when my English was very much worse was rarely written in German, either ... I guess it might be a way of maintaining a certain emotional distance that makes it easier to talk about personal issues? Generally I tend to feel less clumsy, less awkward, expressing myself in English. Should I switch to German for a while just to see what happens, whether the German speaking me and the English speaking me are at all different?


DVD player has been moved over & plugged in, cable will be installed next Monday.

Comments

[un-crayon-rouge.livejournal.com]

Part of it, and I guess there's no use denying it, is a rather pathetic craving for attention

Ah yes, "who will read this and comment and stuff if I don't write in english?" But then, I say to myself, mine IS an open journal, it's a place to interact, and the lingua franca on LJ is english so... not that pathetic after all, oder? Was net.

I guess it might be a way of maintaining a certain emotional distance that makes it easier to talk about personal issues

Yes, that's true for me too. Sometimes german gets too personal, but it's still an inbetween, the language that really gets my skin bloody and drives a fist into my stomach is spanish. Sometimes it's strange, this language business...

[solitary-summer.livejournal.com]

Languages indeed. When I switch to English on the DVD menu after having seen a show in German on tv, the time it takes to adjust, and I keep wondering whether for someone who grew up speaking English the emotions expressed, the more subtle shadings, might not convey something slightly different?

(Which is also where I hope you'll continue in english or german, because the einenhalb Jahre Spanischkurs when I was 17 or so... I don't remember anything beyond 'buenos dias' & such.)

[solitary-summer.livejournal.com]

Added: there's also regret that I won't be able to understand anything you might say in a language that is so personal to you...