(no subject)

[solitary_summer]

love is either magnificent, passionate and unexpected or it's best replaced for great literature, travelling, ideals. fuck all that needing to find someone. nobody needs to find anyone. if there's anyone to be found then it was never there, never meant to be, as love can only be true if it feels that there was never a begining. it's like rain; it just rains, you don't force the water down from the sky.

(juno, here)

Comments

[un-crayon-rouge.livejournal.com]

I can't help but feel a little incensed at people who think they know what love should be like. We all tend to write or say things along the lines of "love is somethingorother/uninspiredmetaphor", but the truth is that love is not like anything, love "is" not anything, and love certainly shouldn't be anything, just as we shouldn't be anything. If those poor people believe they need someone and it's making them unhappy, they are to be pitied. If they think they love and they are decieved and suffer, does that mean they loved less, they were fools? Who is to say what love is or should be? Writers? Singers? Psychologists? Philosophers? When you believe you have it, it's there. When you think you need it, you do. And that's that.

Of course, I shouldn't be writing this into your journal, you're only quoting. I didn't want to intrude on a strangers journal...

[solitary-summer.livejournal.com]

I'm kind of torn here. When I quoted this, I did so, because I felt it applied to me, first of all, more than anyone else, though I've got at least one friend who's definitely making herself unhappy staying in a relationship, because she's afraid to be without one. I'm not sure what love is or isn't, because I haven't got a lot experience with it, and maybe this makes me occasionally cynical, but I still wouldn't presume to set up rules for anyone else. I certainly didn't mean to do so, quoting juno's post.

As far as I'm concerned, however ... I don't know, maybe it's the wrong path to chose, but when I read books, talk to interesting people, etc, I feel myself expand, develop in different directions. When I sit at home, or even when I'm among people, and think of myself as alone, as in, without a relationship, it limits me, it drains my energy, drags my thoughts into some vicious circle, because then I see myself only as lacking something; incomplete, imperfect, unworthy. When it comes right down to it, I want to be able to look at a happy couple and not feel any negative emotions. I don't know if there'll ever be love in my future, but I want to be a... whole, perhaps a happy, person regardless. I must be able to to believe that this is possible.

(I'm not sure if this makes it any better, but I'm treating this journal as a real journal more often than not, noting things of mostly personal interest without further explanation or context... certainly not meant to be gospel for anyone else.)


On the other hand, though, part of me now wants to hastily delete this entry & hide myself under the next available rock in shame, because you're obviously a much more charitable and better person than I am.

[un-crayon-rouge.livejournal.com]

To quote you: ack! All my life I have been convinced that I am one of the most selfish persons alive, and you tell me I am *generous*? Oh, no, my friend. Let's just say that falling in love (head over heels with all the works, as you probably know) has expanded my view a little.

And anyway, it was not the "if you're not in a romantic relationship, you're not a complete person"-issue I was objecting to. I totally agree with that, and I think people who decide they CAN and WILL be complete persons in spite of what media, religions, ideologies, politicians are trying to sell them, are admirable and really very brave.

What irked me about juno's entry was the "love should be like this or that"-thing (I can't remember her exact words, but they don't really matter). Thoughts like these were exactly what KEPT me from love for a long time: it should be like a wave that washes over you; it should burn you; you should hear violin music... all these are childish notions, but still we cling to them, we reject the idea of a love for "convenience", of "good enough". If it's not the greatest romance of all times, I don't want it.

Of course, there's a difference to hopping form one relationship to the other merely out of fear of being alone. But then there's the reverse of the medal: never being in a relationship because none of them are perfect, because we're not swept right off our feet etc. The more the possibility of being effectively swept away diminish due to age and hormones, the more we cling to the notion...

Sometimes love begins with just a shrug and a thought of "ok, whatever". I speak out of experience here.

[solitary-summer.livejournal.com]

Selfish? I beg to differ, and I think most of the people on your friends-of-list would agree with me. To me you're not one of those people who constantly make an effort of being oh-so-selfless, you *are* generous. Your openness, the way you share your thoughts on lj; like you saw this aspect of juno's post, when I only focused on what immediately suited me. Or how I never saw in your journal any of the sarcasm, cynicism and negativity that more often than I like seep into my own entries.


As for the rest... *seufz* I'll keep that in mind, maybe it'll help. It's not that I exactly expect to be swept off my feet, & das ganze drumherum, never did, at any age. (I think. As far as I remember. Maybe I'm wrong.)

But the longer I turn this over in my mind, the more confused I get. I do have expectations, after all. A connection, maybe, someone who'd know me, all of me; and probably that's even more unrealistic than the fairy-tale prince, flowers, violins & whatnot scenario.

I'm not making very much sense tonight...

[un-crayon-rouge.livejournal.com]

Connection. Wow. That *is* heavy. I totally understand, that is precisely what I have longed for all my life, that was where all my faith was "this must exist, it must, it must"... And then, nothing is like you imagined and life leaves you dumbfounded one more time.
So, now I have two mental notes:
1. Comment on Thomas Mann
2. Comment on this "connection"-business.

Hm. *insert inspiration here* I'll get back to you.

[solitary-summer.livejournal.com]

[ETA: ack. Last paragraph, the word I was looking for yesterday, but didn't find, was 'generous', not 'charitable'. Stupid english skills, abandoning me after a glass of wine. *sigh*]