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Oct. 13th, 2009 11:52 pmFrom summer straight into winter. *sigh* Ten days ago temperatures were as high as 27 degrees, last Monday I was biking to my Russian lesson at 6 pm in short sleeves (which, I know, I know, isn't exactly normal for October...); yesterday I was freezing with a long sleeved shirt and jacket. Today the fleece jacket & light coat & gloves came out. 6 degrees. Gah.
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Belly dancing class was good today, considering that three weeks ago I was in tears and wanted to quit. I'm blaming last semester's veil choreography, which was all steps & turns that made me dizzy & (admittedly very pretty) waving about of the veil, but barely any muscle work-out, once your arms got used to flinging the veil about above your head, so frankly I wasn't very motivated to practice, and did nothing at all over the summer. First lesson, it felt like my body was something completely alien that had nothing to do with me and that I had no control over, which may sound funny but was actually quite frightening. I've gained a bit of weight since spring what with all the stress and the chocolate that seemed the best remedy at the time, so I haven't feeling comfortable with myself anyway, and that didn't help at all. Especially since even at the best of time there's a certain... disconnect. I like doing it, discovered muscles I didn't even know I had and learned using them, and I do think learning choreographies is actually good for me because if forces me to work with my brain & body at the same time & co-ordinate them, but looking into the mirror, or especially watching the video from last year's show the first time... in a way that doesn't feel like me; it's not the image of myself I have in my head. That image wears DocMartens and learns Russian; is clever, but can't dance. The image in my head doesn't even have much of a gender or sex. At one point today I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, that actually looks kind of sexy. I don't look sexy in my head. I don't even really want to look sexy in my head. Which is a bit of a dilemma, and mostly I wonder if it isn't the images in my head that I should get rid of, or at least should stop letting myself be limited by them.
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Dentist appointment yesterday, enough said. I think he might be starting to regret that he ever talked me into the braces. I always had a bit of a phobia, but I never used to lose control like that, complete freak-out, hyperventilating, tears, everything.
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The Jack/Ianto post is still eating my brain, I don't even dare look at the word count any more. Which means I'm having periodic attacks of get-a-life, because, seriously, what the hell, woman. I'm not getting paid for this. If I put that much energy into writing fanfiction, I could at least pretend I'm practicing for my big novel, or something. This isn't even pseudo-academic anything; G. actually got a paper on Chakotay's tattoo published; can't I at least be interested in something like that? But this character & relationship analysis is a 120% pure & utter self-indulgence. And I highly doubt writing about Jack's issues will help me figuring out my own.
Belly dancing class was good today, considering that three weeks ago I was in tears and wanted to quit. I'm blaming last semester's veil choreography, which was all steps & turns that made me dizzy & (admittedly very pretty) waving about of the veil, but barely any muscle work-out, once your arms got used to flinging the veil about above your head, so frankly I wasn't very motivated to practice, and did nothing at all over the summer. First lesson, it felt like my body was something completely alien that had nothing to do with me and that I had no control over, which may sound funny but was actually quite frightening. I've gained a bit of weight since spring what with all the stress and the chocolate that seemed the best remedy at the time, so I haven't feeling comfortable with myself anyway, and that didn't help at all. Especially since even at the best of time there's a certain... disconnect. I like doing it, discovered muscles I didn't even know I had and learned using them, and I do think learning choreographies is actually good for me because if forces me to work with my brain & body at the same time & co-ordinate them, but looking into the mirror, or especially watching the video from last year's show the first time... in a way that doesn't feel like me; it's not the image of myself I have in my head. That image wears DocMartens and learns Russian; is clever, but can't dance. The image in my head doesn't even have much of a gender or sex. At one point today I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, that actually looks kind of sexy. I don't look sexy in my head. I don't even really want to look sexy in my head. Which is a bit of a dilemma, and mostly I wonder if it isn't the images in my head that I should get rid of, or at least should stop letting myself be limited by them.
Dentist appointment yesterday, enough said. I think he might be starting to regret that he ever talked me into the braces. I always had a bit of a phobia, but I never used to lose control like that, complete freak-out, hyperventilating, tears, everything.
The Jack/Ianto post is still eating my brain, I don't even dare look at the word count any more. Which means I'm having periodic attacks of get-a-life, because, seriously, what the hell, woman. I'm not getting paid for this. If I put that much energy into writing fanfiction, I could at least pretend I'm practicing for my big novel, or something. This isn't even pseudo-academic anything; G. actually got a paper on Chakotay's tattoo published; can't I at least be interested in something like that? But this character & relationship analysis is a 120% pure & utter self-indulgence. And I highly doubt writing about Jack's issues will help me figuring out my own.
