(no subject)

In the endeavour to say something positive about the day... the sun through a thin veil of clouds, yet quite a dense snowfall - dry, light snowflakes, the very air glittering white and silver.

Uncomfortably cold, though, and even while I'm aware that it's January and actually supposed to be like that, I'm well and truly sick of always being cold... physically, and... well, the metaphor offers itself all too easily.

Home, curled up in a chair in front of the tv with season 3 B5; maybe a somewhat ambiguous self-indulgence at the moment.


On a more personal note... sometimes, days like today, I feel like simply giving up. And why not, after all. There is nothing, nothing. It seems that everytime I think I've gained a little ground, I'm slipping back again. And time passes. I'm not strong enough, I'm not brave, I'm not a fighter. I fail, because ultimately I've no reason to keep struggling. I, myself, am apparently not good enough a reason in my own mind. The logical conclusion of course would be that I don't deserve any better. If I'm squandering my life like that, I don't deserve to be loved. And so it all comes round again, full circle. The best I can do is at least not blame others for my shortcomings, not take my frustration out on them. Not to let my personal defeatism taint my outlook on the world, or if that's impossible, at least remain aware there's a difference between how things are and how I perceive them.

And maybe I'm using this as a pretext to let things remain how they are because my fear of the alternatives, of changes, is even greater than my desire for them.

(no subject)

[16.3.2008 ETA picture link defunct]

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