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:: frowns at last entry ::

... I'm beginning to feel more than just a little shallow here.

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Hm. With regard to last entry - I'm really not so sure what exactly I was trying to prove there, or to whom.

On reconsideration it's even more pathetic to be always vaguely apologetic and embarrassed about watching (e.g.) Smallville and posting about it at rambling and analytical lengths in lj, that just outright saying that I occasionally really am intrigued by it - the better episodes happen to push a lot of my buttons.

Why am I apparently trying so hard to live up to some imaginary standards of intellectualism that just aren't... me, or at least not all of me, and blaming myself whenever i've fallen short of them in my mind? I guess it's mostly guilty conscience, because I do a lot less serious reading than I'd like to, but there's a good measure of general insecurity, too. Browsing through other people's journals I often catch myself wanting to be funny, intelligent, well-articulated, organised, philosophical, political, poetical & so on & so forth like them, and then I consciously need to remind myself that this is me, my way of thinking, of writing, for better or worse. Sometimes this helps, sometimes... not so much. But it's getting easier and maybe that's a good sign.

In some respects I'm still absolutely anal about my lj. Spell-check. Edit over and over. Have panic attacks about how I might have used a preposition wrong. Rush of embarrassment on discovering a typo or grammatical error only after my whole friends list has already read the entry and it's been on top of the page for days.

Part of it may be due to the whole non-native language factor, but I write like that in German, too, skipping back and forth between thoughts and random fragments of sentences, bits and pieces I re-arrange until they (hopefully) fall into some sort of pattern, rather than follow one thought through from beginning to end. My style wouldn't be any different if I wrote in German, maybe even more clumsy - it's been a long time since I've expressed personal thoughts and feelings in my native language. The content wouldn't be any different, either...


Welcome to the wonderful world of my livejournal neuroses.