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ah, summer. meet the local wildlife. threw out a spider crawling across my desk a few minutes ago and just now a tiny green grasshopper. and there's this beautiful butterfly sitting just below the ceiling, which is really too large for me to capture in my hands without damaging its wings.... sad.

it appears nin.com has been sort of updated while i was away. so it can only be years now...

lethargic. post-vacation depression, i think. god. right now it's back to woe is me, my life is pointless. i still feel torn between an irrational (?) wish to change major things about my life and the almost certain knowledge i won't be able to pull it through, because i haven't even a clear idea what to change or where to begin and probably should rather just come to terms with what i have.

washed my bike, which was long overdue anyway. go me.

watched a lot of rather pointless tv & really feel stupid talking about it - not so much because i'm trying to uphold some kind of pseudo-intellectual image here (a lost cause, anyway), but because for the greater part of the world 'Buffy' is already history. makes me feel anachronistic. still, its funny and often touching. 'Angel' i find somewhat annoying at the moment, what with the baby, and i still resent that they had Darla stake herself so that the baby could be born & the rest play happy family. 'Andromeda' (3rd season, finally) is my very guilty pleasure, but well. look at the cast. er, and there are moments of interesting character development & interaction (esp. Dylan & Tyr :: fans self :: :: smirk ::), even if it isn't always consistent.

and really, i'd rather watch those than the shows where the main focus is on who's sleeping with whom / not sleeping with whom / angsting over their relationship or lack-of-relationship & such. (anything from ally mcbeal to sex in the city) my patience with watching pretty, anorexic people go over their neuroses is rather limited. maybe this is just me being alone and waxing cynical, but sometimes i catch myself thinking this is all such a waste of time and energy...

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:: slightly drunk & depressed ramblings ::



[13.3.2008 ETA from deadjournal:

the claustrophobic feeling that you've come around again full circle, jerking at your own leash, jerking yourself back. the illusionary few steps that make you believe you're moving on. until you're tugged back, slipping, falling and nothing ever changes.

merely exploring your own limitations and they are so very constrained. words and words and words, but they merely decorate the cell's walls. and maybe you've been entertaining & consoling yourself with illusions.

numb or angry, but even the anger falls short, powerless. never enough to tear the leash from my hands...]