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# I'm not actually dead. I've even been online, more or less - I used to insist that Salzburg/Maishofen was my internet and computer free time, just me and my books, detox, but I've finally caved and bought myself usb-stick internet for my sister's old laptop that I mainly got to familiarise my Mac using self with Office, Excel, etc., which I've totally failed to do so far. But, holiday internet. *conflicted sigh* I'm not using it as much as I do at home, partly, but hopefully not only because I'm paying for bandwidth; I'm feeling quieter here, more at peace, not as compelled to follow every bit of discussion or drama, because god forbid I should miss someone being wrong on the internet somewhere; more removed from it all; but the mere fact that this whole world is there when I want it is a reassurance. Which actually scares me quite a bit. We shouldn't be so dependent on things that... are real, I'm not going to argue that, but also in a way seem very fragile and... disappearable? Which isn't a word, I know. Maybe it's not having grown up with all this technology that makes me a bit wary of its permanence and ultimate reliability.


# Anyway. Had seven days of skiing, first in Saalbach/Hinterglemm (nice; for the most part quite awful with snow & almost zero sight all day; very nice on new snow), then near the Hochkönig (very nice generally speaking; fantastic view and beautiful slopes, a lot quieter than Saalbach, and not as crowded, without their crazy urge to build more and more lifts in places where no one actually needs them, or at least not that kind of capacity; one completely brilliant day with he result that I was so completely exhausted the day after that I had to quit at 2 pm because I just couldn't keep the skis straight any longer; one very relaxed and nice day where I ended up doing quite a lot of skiing regardless), and one experimental day in Kitzbühl, which was indeed a bit experimental because I took the wrong turn in Mittersill and ended up driving up Pass Thurn, where I then had to use the oldest chairlift I've seen in a longish while. And here I'd thought my fear of hights had got a bit better over the last years. Apparently not so much when I have to use lifts that are probably older than I am. *clutchclingOMGpanicarewethereyet?!* Then stared in the direction of Kitzbühel, and when I saw that I'd have to use another chairlift like that to get back decided I'd ski down to Kitzbühel and take the bus back from there. Slight problem, I had to use a gondola lift that goes from one peak to another across a valley. Let's just say I didn't look out a lot. Generally speaking, I was a bit underimpressed & didn't like the atmosphere very much, but then again, I was rather tired already.

On the whole it was really enjoyable, although I also have to say that I'm not getting quite the kind of high out of it that I used to. (Last lift up all the time when we were children... And for some strange reason I'm still having skiing dreams quite regularly.) Does growing older have to mean that everything loses its significance and intensity and that you're feeling less and less all the time? Or am I being over-angsty about nothing once again? Maybe it's also that the whole thing is getting just... crazy in ways that it's hard to ignore or maybe even justify any longer. Snow cannons everywhere now, more and more lifts, more and more people. Insane. But at least almost everyone is wearing a skiing helmet. /sarcasm

Also realised that I really, really, need to be fitter, because my body wasn't used to this any longer and definitely complained about the two year break. Came home tired & sore, cooked (sort of), ate, read a few pages, fell asleep. Somehow I'll have to beat my inner Schweinehund into submission and rearrange my schedule to fit more running into it again, come spring. Belly dancing just isn't enough.

Although I talked to my sister on the phone a couple of days ago, and while memories are already a bit fuzzy, we agreed that before there were carving ski we never actually put all that much thought into where to put weight, pressure, etc. They're brilliant, especially in good conditions, but demand a lot of attention. OTOH, next time maybe just rent normal, very average skis that are a bit more forgiving of mistakes. *sigh @ self & own vanity*


# With all this and my whole lack-of-fitness related state of constant tiredness I didn't get a lot of reading done so far. Finished re-reading TM's Königliche Hoheit, which I still find kind of... sad. There are brilliant ironic and genuinely funny parts, but the love story, while touching, strikes me as more melancholy than not.

Then read R. Safanski's Heidegger biography (Ein Meister aus Deutschland), which I picked rather randomly out of my father's bookcase for no very good reason, except that I vaguely wanted to start getting over my complete stupidity/lack of understanding/slight apprehension when it comes to philosophy, which I've always avoided because it seemed a bit too abstract for my too-materialist, too-concrete brain that finds it easier to look for models and answers in history, sociology and psychology, and found it readable and interesting when I opened it and gave it a cursory glance. And at least in the first part of the book Safranski did manage to convey even to me an idea what philosophy can be about, and while the philosophic parts were a bit of a difficult read at first for the complete newbie lacking even a good part of the basic terminology, also an impression of where Heidegger was going with his ideas. But then of course there's the inherent question about the worth of philosophy when it doesn't stop the philosopher from being just as fallible and wilfully blind as the next average, unphilosophic person... In any case, it was a fascinating introduction into the history of thought in the 20th century, and I found at least Heidegger's early philosophy with its importance of questions instead of answers, deconstruction of absolutes and emphasis on personal perception and immediate experience of living interesting, if a little too... self-involved, maybe, in the end? It touches something I've been wondering myself - how much, how far can you deconstruct absolutes and preconceptions, something that studying history does, too, until you're left with nothing, floating in relatives, questioning and second guessing your every opinion? Feeling like you're losing yourself in all the ifs and buts and OTOHs and looking at everything from every possible angle? And what then? Where, to quote Buffy & Co, do we go from here? Are there any answers? Or is this only a problem because on some fundamental level my ex-catholic brain hasn't quite given up wanting or believing in the existence of absolutes?

[On a side-note, in my personal and admittedly once again completely materialist opinion the next major revolution about human thought and self-perception, the definition of man and structure of society will be caused by what science will discover about the function of the human brain over the next decades.]

It also totally made me want to write something about the philosophic background in TW, which I guess is wildly, wildly inappropriate? Not to mention completely presumptuous and idiotic considering my vague to the point of barely-there-at-all knowledge about 20th century philosophy. But I already have ideas & notes! Gah! Read about Heidegger and wrote notes about Jack. Oh dear. *facepalm* But he's such a classic example of being 'thrown' into life, and if it isn't the knowledge of his own mortality that defines his life (rather the reverse), it's everyone else's. Would it be possible to do this sticking strictly to the TW-text and not dragging and actual philosophers into it & thereby making an utter fool of myself?


# Saw Avatar with G. last week before I left & was mainly bored & more bored (also cramped after three hours & I still find 3D movies exhausting to watch), although I have to say I kind of liked Neytiri. What completely baffles me is that apparently you can spend what must have been an absolutely indecent amount of money on the special effects, and still have a script & dialogue that are this bad. What could a good script writer have cost in comparison?


# I'll have to catch up with all the recorded figure skating when I come home, but I'm sad that Lambiel didn't make it on the podium. This was the one Olympic fairytale I really wanted to see happen.


# Friday already! Having to drive home the day after tomorrow. Still so much Russian homework to do. Back to work on Monday. I think I'm going to be sick.
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March 2013

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