i have lived so many lives all in my head

[solitary_summer]

I think I've only recently begun to really realise how important safety and control are to me, and to what an extent this obsession damages - reduces - my life. Ironically, most of this seems to work on an unconscious level almost or entirely beyond my control.

I set close boundaries, so that I can have the utmost control possible, driving myself into isolation, depriving myself of chances I simply don't dare take, afraid of rejection, of failure, of not being good enough, afraid of getting hurt, of having my fragile sense of self-worth shaken, afraid of losing what shaky grasp I have. Afraid, afraid, afraid.

I wonder... do I crush wished, dreams, desires before they even reach a conscious level of thought? Is it that I don't even allow myself to want any longer? Sometimes I think I have a glimpse of the scope of feelings, of what I could be, but am not permitting myself to reach for, because I'm too scared. Too scared to risk a balance that seems precarious at best, to risk a moderate peace of mind that doesn't seem too bad, after all.

I build my safe, controllable world which... other people, or indeed, life, are [is it even justified to slip in an 'almost' here?] only allowed to enter through some intermediary medium, book, screen, music.

I watch, I read, I observe. Stories.
I don't really participate.


I'm not a fighter, never have been, most likely never will be; I am, essentially, a coward.

I need structure, i need a schedule, as much as I may occasionally hate it; to fulfill others' expectations to make up for the lack of my own: and perhaps some unconscious awareness of this, more than anything else is the reason why I haven't slipped entirely yet, managed to keep a job &c.

Get a life, as they say. But where to even start, or how to go about it?


It's not a pretty picture.

Comments

[stiffleaves.livejournal.com]

Gosh, I understand you so well that it's almost painful to read this.
Mh...I don't really know what to say that could possibly be of any help...just..when I had depression, I constantly felt like I was never taking any chances, like I'd given up and I wasn't trying because I wasn't worthy enough of being accepted, loved, a real part of something.
It's was like a vicious circle, because I felt unworthy because I didn't do the things I wanted to do, but I didn't do them BECAUSE I felt unworthy. It felt like there was no way out, really, but there was. I finally hit the bottom and I cried for days and days and days, which was good, because I never used to cry before (I just felt numb & pained before).
It actually started to feel so good to cry, to feel, that I stopped crying (because I was feeling better), but then I was desperately afraid of feeling numb again, of *not* feeling.
Which is, I think, when I started taking action.
Right now, it's like...whenever there is a chance to be taken, my immediate reaction is not to take it. To curl up in a ball and not let anything reach me. But there's also the feeling of just...KNOWING...that if I don't take the chance, it'll bring me down. For maybe minutes, hours, days...who knows, but it WILL make me feel depressed and unworthy and stupid and cowardly, so, I just sort of have to force myself to take the chance.

..ahem..yeah..sorry for spamming your lj with my thoughts...
Actually, I just wanted to say I understand what you're feeling and wish you the best! *hugs*
~Gyu

[solitary-summer.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

it's not all that bad, generally I've been felling better during the last year, only... sometimes it's so *slow*, and sometimes there are bad days & I feel like I'm slipping back, or that I've been deluding myself all along...

[un-crayon-rouge.livejournal.com]

What about wanting some structure in life is so wrong and cowardly, exactly? Are those who live wold lives, himmelhochjauchzendzutodebetrübt and nothing inbetween, are they the only ones who are allowed to say they really live? What about the rest of us, who just plod along, have some thoughts, some feelings, smile at someone occasionally... not good enough, not in the bid leagues?

I don't mean to be sarcastic, it's just that I know this kind of thoughts so well, and I'm doing my best to stop feeling guilty, cowardly, not good enough. That I like the movies doesn't mean my life has to be like one. I am good enough, I believe we all are. We just don't allow ourselves to see it because we think good means "big", "astonishing", "amazing", "brilliant", and all the other superlatives.

[solitary-summer.livejournal.com]

You're right of course... It's a result of too much tv, I guess -sometimes I feel like one of those non-heroic characters in any given show who are given a kick in the ass and/or rousing speech by Heroic Character X, and then bravely venture forth and and get the guy/girl, do The Right Thing... yeah well. Except I don't see much venturing forth in my future.

But mostly I didn't mean it like that anyway; I don't want to go to extremes or reach for superlatives, just to push my personal boundaries a little, not to always give up without even trying, not to be so limited by my fears. I don't believe wanting structure and security are bad at all, but I think I've reached a point where it seriously messes with my life.

[un-crayon-rouge.livejournal.com]

Too much tv. The story of my life. ;-)

As for pushing personal boundaries, aren't you doing that already? I'd say hauling oneself out of a depressive state of mind into one where a more balanced outlook is not just a possibility, but a reality, is a big achievement.