(no subject)
Jan. 31st, 2004 11:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
when your pathetic attempt at escapism turns on you...
... and suddenly the idea of your true self revealed is intensely frightening.
a couple of days ago i came close to deleting this journal, erasing my online self, or at least switching to private mode, because the thought of people (people i respect) continuing to read it made me feel profoundly ashamed of myself and my utter inability to cope with my life. and this at least i can delete easily.
feeling like i'd reached the lowest point.
but part of me thinks that maybe i should attempt to keep things a little structured, or at the very least try to verbalise rather than just wallow. even if the result is... unpleasant.
i'd like to say it helps me keep some standards, but looking at this entry... probably not.
i'd also like to blame PMS for this... mess, but really, it's only the last straw, making me a bit more open, a bit more emotional.
it's perhaps more true that if i allow any emotions at all, i can't stop... the unwelcome ones.
a few weeks ago i think i was writing (and actually believing) that things were getting better... it's funny to what an extent you can kid yourself in order to make your existence tolerable. looking back... three years ago , i had... i was actually looking for someone. now all i have is the realisation that in the best interest of all parties concerned i shouldn't let anyone get too close to me.
i could do more than helplessly shrug when asked about my life, too embarrassed and ashamed to tell the truth. i had art, i still had hopes. gone, gone. I've slammed every door shut, locking myself in, and I'm having a hard time believing that there's still anything for me on the other side; or, speaking in linear terms, that there's anything to get 'though'.
it's like wandering around in a dense fog, and maybe occasionally it lightens a little and lets you see colour and shape, but never more than a glimpse, never for long enough to find your way out, or even convince you it's quite real rather than merely a figment of your imagination.
just one single thing to hold on to... please.
"... appreciate what I have right now ... define myself by what I am, instead of what I'm not." it doesn't work for me, not like that.