>>>Why am I apparently trying so hard to live up to some imaginary standards of intellectualism that just aren't... me, or at least not all of me, and blaming myself whenever i've fallen short of them in my mind? I guess it's mostly guilty conscience, because I do a lot less serious reading than I'd like to, but there's a good measure of general insecurity, too. Browsing through other people's journals I often catch myself wanting to be funny, intelligent, well-articulated, organised, philosophical, political, poetical & so on & so forth like them, and then I consciously need to remind myself that this is me, my way of thinking, of writing, for better or worse. Sometimes this helps, sometimes... not so much. But it's getting easier and maybe that's a good sign.
I can relate so well to this, I have exactly the same thoughts most of the time. Funny though, I usually want to be intellectual and creative and feel shitty about my own life when I read *your* LJ :-)) Let's see, why could that be? No really, I actually consider you one of the most inspiring people on my friends list. So, nur dass du's weisst!
And I feel the same way about writing in german. In fact, I'm forcing myself to write more in german because I kept having all these thoughts directly in english. I love german, it's a wonderfully complex and beautiful language, and I felt like it was slipping from me (I speak spanish in my day to day dealings, with most of my friends etc.).
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Date: 2003-12-05 12:45 am (UTC)I can relate so well to this, I have exactly the same thoughts most of the time. Funny though, I usually want to be intellectual and creative and feel shitty about my own life when I read *your* LJ :-)) Let's see, why could that be? No really, I actually consider you one of the most inspiring people on my friends list. So, nur dass du's weisst!
And I feel the same way about writing in german. In fact, I'm forcing myself to write more in german because I kept having all these thoughts directly in english. I love german, it's a wonderfully complex and beautiful language, and I felt like it was slipping from me (I speak spanish in my day to day dealings, with most of my friends etc.).