(no subject)

Another day where the alarm rang at six, I even went as far as dragging myself out of bed, but in the end just couldn't face the thought of a morning run.

I'm aware I am not and have never been the most energetic person, but this constant level of tiredness/exhaustion is starting to bother me. I'm actually considering seeing a doctor if this goes on for much longer, because I'd at least like to know if there's a physical reason...

(no subject)

Recently I seem to be fluctuating between two moods - one, more or less content, vaguely apathetic, vaguely calm, can at best transform itself into a state of peacefulness both with myself and the world. It's not as blandly negative, or as passive as it may sound; it doesn't feel like suppression or denial; at least most of the time it doesn't.

The other... a bundle of conflicting violent emotions, the frustration, rage, dreams, ambitions, knowledge of failure, regrets; the want, the need, the daring to want; the can't-bear-it. It's overwhelming, and somehow it seems when I allow/invite any kind of deeper emotion, even the memory of one, I throw open a door for all the others to rush in, too.


Who am I, either, both? Going insane?


Let go and change into something or someone different, or attempt finding a balance combining both sides?


I want the peace, the calm. I need it. I can't live like this, with an unfocused anger I can ultimately turn only against myself because I know I'm the only one to blame, and yet unable and/or too scared to change anything.