(no subject)

Hmpf. I'd prefer it if I could at least announce tremendous & wonderful changes in my life to make up for the lack of updates, but that's not the case, either. (Sadly? Not really.) I just seem to lack the energy most of the time to even think coherent thoughts, much less express them.

Also, apologies to everyone on my f/list for being so apathetically antisocial. More so than usual, that is.


Saturday, parents having returned from their holiday in Poland, there was family dinner, and I can't help noticing that recently (since I quit university?) I feel more and more like an outsider on such occasions, unlike my sister with her diss & boyfriend & their garden & whatnot. I'm not jealous, bitter or angry about it (perhaps even the opposite, because it allows me to see myself as an autonomous person), it's just something I notice. So we were looking at photos & listening to stories, and at one point my father got quite passionately angry about what one woman from their group would do, because it reminded him of how his mother treated him. And I sat there, somewhat flabbergasted, thinking, if he found that so traumatising, why did he put me through the same shit?! And then I surprised myself, because what I felt was pity. Now granted, this perhaps isn't the most appropriate emotion towards one's parent, but I couldn't truthfully call it compassion or forgiveness (I'm not that good a person), and it's a step up from the usual rage I invariably feel guilty about later, whether I bite it back or lash out.

There's also a good deal of unwarranted arrogance in the thought that crossed my mind, that I at least would do my best not to repeat those patterns, making the same mistakes, spending my whole life blaming people or circumstances for everything that supposedly or actually went wrong. I will disentangle this and try to leave it behind.

Left when they decided to watch the football match, because my patience & family sense have limits. And I really couldn't care less who wins the championship.

{Got a gorgeous amber pendant, now I only need a shirt/dress to wear it with...}



Sunday, on my half-assed quest to visit at least some of the places that after living in this place for thirty-two years I still managed to avoid/miss/ignore, I biked to Mauer to see the Wotruba church; interesting, and as far as churches go (when I think of them as places of worship, rather than looking at them strictly with an art historian's eye), I liked it because its lack of hierarchical design.



Monday, too much pizza, strange, vivid dreams, in one of which Marilyn Manson made an appearance. My subconscious mind is a weird place...


Lime trees are still flowering... so much scent.