solitary_summer | (no subject) (Reply)

And G. manages to make me feel guilty again. Perhaps I should feel guilty. But: He checked himself out of the hospital instead of waiting for surgery there, and then called me at work yesterday ('You're always working?' Duh. M. on a three week holiday. I might have mentioned it, like, ten times or so.), and wanted me to visit him in the evening, and hey, could I bring him chocolate and mineral water. I ended up asking if he really needed anything, and did not go. (There are other people taking care of him, too. The tap water is perfectly drinkable, it's not as if he's going to dehydrate.) I'm aware of how unkind that was, and I'm beating myself up for it, at least slightly (and feel guilty about the 'slightly'), but right there and then I felt totally overwhelmed and just could not deal. Three weeks where I'm the one responsible (R. doesn't really count), right when I'm trying to sort out a problem with two expensive books I never ordered, but got anyway, after a weekend that for all purposes didn't exist, G. related drama the week before, and four times two hours of How-To-Better-Sell-Stuff seminar before work next week. I couldn't even feign politeness and/or kindness.

There are people I'd do it for, no questions asked, no whining. It's just that this is the guy who totally dismissed me as a person (except that I could still proof-read his papers, and should appreciate the favour) when I told him I was bisexual, which for some reason in his head apparently added up as not going to sleep with him, or not going to fall in love with him. I don't know what he wants from me. I never felt he respected or even took seriously anything that was important to me. I wasn't happy when he started dropping by again, and I very much suspect he does it because no boyfriend or girlfriend has materialised yet (or maybe to get me to proof-read again, who knows), and the whole situation makes me slightly uncomfortable.

What bothers me is that my energy level is so low, that the mere thought of having to go and buy stuff and spend the evening with G. instead of being able to go home and crash threw me in a state of slight panic. It wasn't such a big thing, after all. I should have done it. I should have been able to do it. It was the same with my sister's last boyfriend - it took longer, but at one point I just wasn't able to deal with the post-break up depression, the related issues, the constant calls, just stopped answering the phone.

I guess I suck as a friend and as a person.

Is the problem that I feel I should be able to fix things, and am scared that I won't be able to? Why do I always have to keep people at a safe distance, and back away when someone wants anything from me... am I too wrapped up in my own issues, depression, whatever, that I almost entirely lack the ability to be sympathetic or helpful? Or am I being over-dramatic again?