Oct. 20th, 2005

solitary_summer: (alchemist (© clive barker))

Thank god that's over. I had to role play, which wasn't even so bad in the end, but I was angry, shaky and close to tears the whole morning, although there really was no good reason for that. The closest I come to explaining this overreaction is that my usual, probably deeply conditioned, reaction to someone expecting me to do something is to do it as best as I can. But in this case, while I am aware that I could do more, could do it better, it's something that I regard as at least ethically questionable (I believe people should choose books because they want them, not because of whatever subtle or not-so-subtle methods I use to sell them) and I already walk a fine line trying to balance motivation, enjoyment, anything I might get out of the job, against the frustration, the struggle with annoying Boss Person(s) and all kinds of other unpleasantness. On a psychological level I don't think I can do much more without driving myself into a state where this balance would tip pretty fast. And I sure as hell don't want to do more than I already do.

Internal conflict, system failure.

Pathetic.

Treated myself with chocolate.


book meme, gacked from soavezefiretto )

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