(no subject)

So, yesterday.

A.'s (sister's boyfriend) birthday party - actually his and his older brother's, an extended family affair complete with parents, grandparents, my parents, a lot of children and any number of friends and acquaintances. And me, knowing no one there. I knew I'd hate it but it seemed rude to refuse outright with no good reason, but maybe in hindsight that'd have been the better choice.

Went there, already cranky and stressed out after work - I'm still trying to get over the post-Christmas depression - and in no mood whatsoever to face a hundred strange people. Felt awful from the start, drank two glasses of wine too fast on an empty stomach in the hope that it might help, which it didn't, was struck with such an overwhelming sense of loneliness and not-belonging... all those couples and families and children... It's not jealousy, it's not about wanting that, but suddenly everything I am, all the struggle to accept myself, my life, to make some sense out of it, the tiny steps towards a kind of balance and contentment, even happiness, all this suddenly seemed insignificant, reduced to nothing at all. Worthless. When on top of everything else my father started to make a fuss about nothing whatsoever I grabbed my coat and ran out, probably offended a lot of people, but just so glad to get away...

Needing to be somewhere safe, to regain control.

On the verge of tears all the way home.

I still feel fragile and shaken and worse than I've felt in a long time.