(no subject)

[solitary_summer]

Something needs to change. Maybe I need more private entries (a paper journal would be an option, but I actually prefer typing, it's neater, among other things, and I like to be able to go back and edit), but recently... I'm not happy with this as I used to be. I edit myself, don't be too needy, don't be too depressed, don't bother people too much with crap you have no right bothering them with, can't say this, can't say that, for fear of making a fool of myself, &c. and maybe that's normal socialisation finally kicking in at a rather late age, but I'm not happy with the results, I feel... a little fake, a little only half there, always being so careful with what image I create of myself. I'm not saying that this was never a concern, but it's been kind of taking over recently, switching entries from public to friends only to private, feeling stupid or guilty, being embarrassed, not finish writing entries because they aren't thought through and articulated enough, spellcheck and edit a dozen times. Perfectionism taking over even here.

When I started this journal (on deadjournal) it was about honesty, saying things I couldn't say elsewhere, articulating them outside my own mind. Turned out it helped me thinking things through, made them clearer, helped me work through some issues (I think). I need to go back to this again, on a less despair & depression ridden level, hopefully, but I need to be honest with myself, instead of constantly checking myself, not in any big ways, but in too many small ones.