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Another quote from RTD's book —

To be honest, I have trouble with 'escapism' full stop. It's usually a derogatory term. Or condescending. At best, cute. [...] It makes the pastime, whether it's a hobby or a job, seem tiny and silly, when it's a vital part of your life. [...] Writing is actually my way of engaging with the world, not escaping from it.

Now admittedly unlike him I'm not making a living out of my (not-)escapism, so maybe I have something less of an argument there, but I do agree with this on several levels.

Reality (or not), art, writing; TV, storytelling and metaphysics; Andromeda, Smallville, Firefly and Bush-ite America. Broadly generalising and meandering without really going anywhere. )

Also... The Surinam toad and its reproductive habits. The things you learn on the internetz...
Half an hour later. Um. Note to self. Don't start watching animal videos on YouTube.

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Tired, cranky, headache. Don't want another family birthday. Even if it's my niece's. ::whine::

Since I never seem to have the time to actually sit/lie down and really read anything recently, I haven't much more than browsed through Russell T. Davis's book (although I have started at the beginning now, and it's rather fascinating. Also his frustration with TW 2.1, which I was going to say maybe was the reason why KKBB never completely worked for me, but apparently it got dumped on Chris Chibnall eventually...), reading a couple of pages here and there (so he wasn't completely happy with the Rose/Doctor.2 ending, either), but leafing through the pages I stumbled across this.

Put a man and a woman of roughly the same age on screen and you're telling a story. That's a love story. (Storytelling is very heterosexual in that sense. But that's why gay storytelling is exciting, because the images are still new.) The choice to put those two characters together on screen, in a story, is the crucial thing. Everything else is just detail. And luck. That's what makes you care. The archetypes. They run deep. [...] Man, woman, on screen = love story. Very little work necessary. (p 123)

Which I kind of agree with and kind of disagree, because while it's undoubtedly true, this (and I've said that before) is what for me makes so many of the heterosexual relationship on screen essentially uninteresting. Maybe/probably my brain is simply wired wrong, but if too much of the subsequent story relies just on this, and only this, I'll yawn and and switch off — or start slashing, depending on how interesting the rest of the show and the other characters are. It may be a love story, but it's also often (to me, at any rate) a boring love story. Now I'm not saying that I've never followed or enjoyed one of the will-they-or-won't-they-get-together storylines, but on the whole they don't make for the best storytelling, because once that question is resolved most of the time a) the show is over, b) they're heading towards break-up, or, special bullet point for Joss Whedon, c) someone gets killed.

So generally speaking putting a bit more work and character development into it is not actually a bad thing. The IMO still perfect example of Doing It Right are Sheridan and Delenn on Babylon 5, my OTPest OTP for something like a decade. It's hard to attempt looking at a show one has watched & rewatched with a fresh eye, but was there ever even the suspense of whether they'd get together? I don't think so, or at any rate one was rather more worried about them winning the war and saving the universe. Having a plot that encompasses and mingles action and romance rather than dividing it in two separate storylines, and upsetting a lot of tv gender clichés in the process is what made it so epic and unique. Thank you, MJS. :)

Now Joss Whedon frankly sucks at writing relationships, especially happy relationships, because as a rule he only sets them up to end them in the most painful way possible, but Buffy and Spike, in their own messed up way were a bit like that; even when it always was pretty clear they wouldn't have a happily ever after, they both learned something about themselves and each other in the process, which changed them for the better, it was plotty and not boring to watch. OTOH most of the male/female relationships on Angel were completely uninteresting; Cordelia/Angel as well as the Wesley/Fred/Gunn triangle, because they're indeed little more than man, woman, on screen = love story, and barely that, maybe partly because they never needed to work as relationships for the plot to go forward. I don't think saying that canonically Angel and Wesley had the most complex, if completely fucked up, relationship on that show has anything to do with slash googles, and one day I'm really going to write that essay. Or, Smallville, when I was still watching; Clark/Lex vs. Clark/Lana.

On a similar note, to be perfectly honest, Jack/Ianto would never have caught my interest, and certainly not got me writing all those endless rambling meta posts, if it hadn't come after Cyberwoman with the Fragments backstory and all the... if not exactly canonical, then at least canonically implied complexity and ambiguities resulting from that. So granted, once again a bit messed up, and maybe unhealthily codependent and whatnot, and apparently I've got a faible for that kind of thing, but take that away, and the banter-innuendo-coffee thing would be really kind of boring.

Well, in my opinion. It's pretty obvious that 90+% of fandom differs. Cf. above, brain wired wrong, and all that...

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Eh. I've just been watching Jonathan Livingston Seagull which my aunt fell in love with last year and tries to foist on everyone since, and in view of our recently re-established relationship I tried to be diplomatic and said I'd watch it, but the whole thing is creepy in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Or maybe my mind is too literal for the movie to work for me even as a metaphor. It's a bloody seagull. I don't see the point of blaming seagulls for leading their seagull lives instead of trying out new flying techniques. And I don't see how it makes them worthless, as opposed to super-annoying arrogant special Jonathan. And I'm not even touching the Jesus analogy.

I just don't like those capital-m-Messages that hit you over the head with all their capital-m-Meaningfulness. I need things to be a bit fucked up, I need a dash of existentialism, good vs. evil, the meaning of life and all that. I need complication, not ready-made solutions.

And speaking of which, the therapist is surprisingly (surprising to me, because I constantly expect to be told, in a politely phrased therapisty way, to get a life, rather than that I should work with that if it helps me) understanding about my tv show obsessions, except then she suggested that I should think about what I could learn for myself from the relationships I was fascinated with. Then I thought about Jack and Ianto in Cyberwoman and every messed-up couple I ever shipped (not counting Sheridan and Delenn, who are the sane exception) and couldn't stop laughing for a minute. And then of course had to explain what Torchwood was about, and the whole Jack/Ianto thing, and, god, I was so embarrassed. ::facepalm::

I think I'll finish my tea now and then get off the internet & to bed and maybe finally finish Sorokin's Bro, to avoid getting accidentally spoiled for the TW finale before I can download it tomorrow.

And to make this post a little less pointlessly rambling...

::adds some music::

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Ship meme, stolen from [ profile] mawombat...

Six Ships I Like
1. Angel/Wesley (AtS)
2. Sheridan/Delenn (Babylon 5)
3. Buffy/Spike (BtVS) theirloveissofuckedup
4. Beecher/Keller (Oz) ditto, times two
5. Dylan/Tyr (Andromeda) Still made the list? God help me.
6. Brian/Justin (QaF:US) I'msuchagirl

Three Ships I Used To Like But Don't Anymore
7. Mulder /Scully (X-Files)
8. Lex/Clark (Smallville)
9. Aubrey/Maturin (Master and Commander, books & movie)

Three Ships I Don't Like
10. Angel/Cordelia (AtS)
11. Xander/Spike (BtVS)
12. Brian/Michael (QaF:US)

Two Ships I'm Curious About
13. Jack/Ianto (Torchwood)
14. Berger/Claude (Hair - the Milos Foreman movie)

questions & answers )
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How is Sunday almost over already? Lunch at the parents, cuddled my niece & gave her the plush feel book I'd bought & which she was absolutely fascinated with, especially since two of the pages had some kind of plastic inside that rustles when you touch them. ::beaming proud aunt mode:: Also realised that I need to memorise some child-appropriate songs, because at the moment when I carry her around when she gets bored and disgruntled I'm mostly singing/humming nin to her, since these are the only songs I know more than 25% of the lyrics to; I do it in a very positive tone of voice, and she did seem to be intrigued by my extremely off-key version of The Great Below but it still feels kind of weird and just can't be ideal, atmosphere-wise...

Finished the Torchwood DVDs in a mini-binge [2008? nine months? ::sigh::], and on the whole really enjoyed seeing the series again - I wasn't entirely sure for the first few episodes, and it's a sad thing that you can never quite recapture that initial burst of fanish enthusiasm, but generally it stood the test of re-watching very well and the emotional intensity of Cyberwoman pulled me right back into it, after which it gets constantly better and starts to run more smoothly.

And I love everything from Random Shoes to End of Days. The tension really starts to build up with Out of Time - I love that episode, the parallel arc of Jack and Owen that starts here and ends with the hug in the finale. Owen's raw vulnerability in the first night with Diane, totally overwhelmed and already very much out of his depths; I think that's the first time we're really seeing the hard mask slip. Jack opening up to John so easily, and again it's like a mask being taken away, only the thing Jack uses as a mask is his charm. The scene in the car is one of the most heart-breaking and surprising (would never have happened on an American show) moments I've seen on any tv show, and Jack's look at the end is awful, the emptiness, the hopelessness. I really like the dark streak in Jack that emerges over those episodes. That's something I hadn't really been fully aware of, because I didn't know Jack's back-story when I first saw the show; how much he doesn't want to be there. Two hundred years, and maybe he's gone native a bit, but he's got a hand in a jar that's probably worth more to him than almost anything at Torchwood and a fondness for standing in high, conspicuous places, waiting to picked up again, to be able to travel through the universe again instead of being marooned on this planet, stuck in an era he doesn't particularly like, picking through the debris of all that is out there, out of his reach. I wonder what they're going to do with this in the second series, what is going to convince Jack to come back/stay, because he obviously is very ready to leave at the drop of the right hat.

[And then there's this half-written, extremely rambling and very much tl;dr post about the Jack/Ianto relationship ... ::sigh::]

[On a side-note, though, what I don't quite understand is the whole OMG!adult!sex!violence! hype. Or the complaints about that. Compared to Dr. Who, which I've only seen a few episodes of so far, maybe, but on a grander scale of things? Not so much. Not that I'm complaining, mind. But If you leave aside the feeding-on-orgasms alien in Day One, which was clearly done with a bit of a wink at the audience and not to be taken deadly serious, pun not intended, there are exactly two a little more explicit sex scenes in one single episode, and they're anything but gratuitous, but crucial to the plot and Owen's character development. Countrycide was gory and a bit extreme, but I've seen as bad, if not worse, on the X-Files or CSI. Either Buffy or Angel had more explicit violence and sex than the average TW episode...]
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[There's some kind of mental block that keeps me from writing, I swear. I keep the update window open, even type a few words here, half a sentence there, I want to write, I believe I should write, but I end up clicking around aimlessly, refreshing my flist, refreshing YouTube in order to check whether a certain kind soul has uploaded another episode of Oz yet (*), looking for decent Torchwood (**) fic... And. Just. Can't. Write. Blockade, avoiding, and I'm not quite sure what exactly it is I am avoiding. My life, most likely.]

personal & boring )

On a lighter note, you know you've watched too many tv shows with fantasy and/or supernatural elements when your first thought on hearing (in the context of an entirely different, more or less reality based show; Oz ) that a woman murdered her daughter because she believed she was possessed by the devil is not 'She is clearly insane and ought to be in a mental institution and not on death row'(***), but that you actually give the idea half a semi-conscious thought until someone else on tv says just that, and you catch yourself and mentally go oops...

(*) Oh dear. And here I'd thought I'd shipped fucked-up couples before. And just when I was mentally complaining that it turned a little soap-opera-esque in S4, they come up with an episode like Cuts Like A Knife, which had me literally gasping and holding my breath for the last ten minutes or so, because. Oh. My. God.

(**) Full fangirl mode. ::sigh:: Scoured the internet & now have a pretty Gwen wallpaper on my desktop and lots of others in my screen-saver folder, which I will happily stare at changing for minutes, oh yes. I can't even pin-point why this show struck such a chord with me - it's not all that original; too Buffy/Angel-esque at times (But hey, if you're going to ste-- be inspired, than at least by the best, and at least they did the 'let's betray our leader in a crisis under the influence of an evil power impersonating dead loved ones and trying to destroy the world' thing after only twelve episodes where relationships, despite some trust building, are still rather brittle and untested, and not after 140 only to give Buffy and Spike that final bonding moment (****)), but it's so charming, I really liked the characters, and I guess everyone already knew I was going to order the dvds anyway, right. ::sigh::

(***) Not that anyone should be, IMO, regardless of the state of their mental health, in case this doesn't go without saying.

(****) Footnote of footnote, JW can convince me of almost anything, but this is one of the two instances where I really feel he is jerking some characters around too hard only to achieve a certain effect/story-line for others. (The other instance would be Gunn, Fred and Cordelia so immediately and wholly turning on Wesley in AtS S3, in order to set off his angsty S3/4 arc and his relationship with Lilah.) And not telling James Marsters that Spike was supposed to get a soul rather than get rid of the chip, that wasn't all that brilliant, either, while we're at it.
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I'm doing something wrong with my life. A lot of somethings (obviously), and hopefully some of that will change, because I'm going to see a therapist recommended by my aunt on Wednesday (::deep breath:: There, I said it; more later.), but this specific something where I always think I have too little time for myself, the things I want to do, and when I have a week off, I somehow manage to absolutely squander it, doing near to nothing except stare at the computer screen for much too long, clicking around from link to link.

Although watching all 13 episodes of Torchwood online wasn't the worst waste of time, because I actually enjoyed it a lot, more than I've enjoyed any tv show for quite a while. So perhaps it's not the best show ever, and not all that original, and perhaps I'd have liked the characterisation to move a little slower/more nuanced in some cases, more exploration in the way a 22 episode season allows (like - and I'm aware they were probably going for let's just do it rather than make an issue out of it and talk it to death and the effect of the kiss in the finale, but still - how Jack and Ianto went from 'Execute her, or I'll execute you both' and 'You're the biggest monster of all' to sleeping together in five easy steps the space of four episodes), but it's got often strikingly effective images, plus a pterodactyl, humour, big drama, plenty of utter heartbreak moments, hard moral decisions, and most importantly it works for me on emotional level, and when a show manages to do that, I can easily ignore or forget details I might have been tempted to become nit-picky about otherwise; Indeed I liked the more quiet, emotion driven episodes better than e.g. the gory X-Filesque Countricide. The characters are all interestingly flawed and human, and I absolutely fell in love with all of them. Yes, Owen can be an ass. Often is. But he still makes for an interesting character (Ghost Machine), and Out of Time was heart-breaking.

Speaking of which (episode-wise), I like it when a show manages to surprise me, and Jack ultimately agreeing with John's decision to commit suicide in Out of Time, rather than talking him out of it, sitting in the car with him, holding his hand, comforting him... that was unexpected, especially given the premise that the show has pretty much established that there is nothing after death, or at least nothing pleasant.

In conclusion, ::squee!::

I'm not (not! really, really not!) going to spend this amount of money on dvds for a series I've already watched, in quite good quality, too, except for that one episode. Focus, woman. Think digital camera. But I'm sorely tempted.


I should have been studying Spanish instead of typing this - at a half-dead snail's pace, I might add; I haven't opened the book since last Thursday. Practice belly dancing, read & be inspired by a book, anything. I'm kind of tired getting enthusiastic about fictional people and their emotional dramas, however much another part of me loves it. Where's this elusive 'life' I tell myself I should be getting, but don't even know how to reach for? It's past 1 am again, I should be getting some sleep, especially since I've somehow (the orange? but I have to start eating normal again some time...) managed to upset my stomach again during the last couple of days, and god, is this ever getting annoying... Anyway. No sleeping until 11 like last week.
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This thing when I occasionally whine talk about how subtext-y Hair (the Milos Forman movie version) is and how no one but me notices it?

now with pictures! )

[crossposted here for eye-candy & personal enjoyment]
solitary_summer: (boat (© clive barker))

[How much caffeine does it take to actually wake me up? I think I'll switch to green tea now.]

Sunday afternoon fanish musing.

One of these things you don't know whether to be more pleased or annoyed by. I'm not a fan of of SG-1, for various reasons, but I've seen quite a few episodes in the failed effort of trying to get into it and read and liked some of the fanfic. Plus, I'm old enough to remember (& be vaguely nostalgic about) RDA from his McGuyver days. I lurk around the fringes of fandom occasionally. And so it appears that SG-1 is yet another show where more or less everyone involved is in on the gay subtext. Hm. While usually I'm all for subtext, I've come to the point where I'm getting somewhat tired of writers/producers/actors joking about this on dvd commentaries, while there is no actual acknowledgment in the show itself. On the one hand it's nice to be occasionally reassured that one isn't entirely delusional, and it's interesting to see (if vaguely sad) how perception is still so, what's the word - heteronormative? that people can either entirely ignore this or often are unsure if they're seeing what they're seeing, even if they want to see it. Another good thing is that this way it can be primarily about emotions, the relationship between two characters, without turning it into a big issue about gender, sexuality, political correctness, appropriate role model-dom and whatnot, which often leads to a state of things where a character entirely loses his/her humanity and complexity. And I guess major tv shows especially would chose this option because what with the general assumption of straight-until-proven-otherwise you can really slip in a lot of things as long as you're operating on the level of subtext.

But still, on the other hand, to repeat myself, getting a little tired of these celluloid closet-y ways here. It's not about making a big issue of it, just maybe slip in some something that makes it irrevocably clear, in a way that cannot be joked or explained or wishfully thought away that (e.g.) Jack/Daniel is really just as much a possibility as Jack/Sam...
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Sunny and warm, beautiful day, slightly tainted by the faint melancholy of Sundays. Did this breakfast & movie thing with some people from work, we saw Fatih Akin's Crossing the Bridge, which is a truly amazing, wonderful film about the music of Istanbul and the power and impact of music, regardless of genre - everything from rap to the music of the Roma, Kurdish music, traditional Turkish music... Very powerful; beautiful shots, too.

I think I'll have to check out Gegen die Wand now. And buy the soundtrack, although I really should re-reconsider buying not really necessary stuff in view of the possible computer situation... ::le sigh::


Trying to unclutter notepad. Still. Again. Never ending story rambling. The 10? 12? 20? (can't quite remember) favourite emotional tv moments meme, picked up a long time ago somewhere in the wastes of lj-land.

Jossverse-centric, because that's what I've been watching recently, and while I would love to give a comprehensive and conclusive review of [ profile] solitary_summer's most favourite tv moments evar, re-watching five season of B5 (or any other tv show I was ever fond of) just isn't happening at the moment. And really, I don't want to consider what it says about my psychic make-up that I even consider this an issue and would this be a good place to confess that I shuffled my interests around quite a bit for the 10 interests meme?

Sorted chronologically and by fandom, not squee factor.

17 (16) favourite emotional tv moments )
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Project uncluttering notepad, pt. 2:

[Only I seem to be cluttering so much faster than I ever unclutter, mostly in the process of writing the project uncluttering posts, which kind of defeats the purpose... ::sigh:: ]

More fanish ramblings: the secret of interesting 'ships. )

solitary_summer: (yebba (© clive barker))

The weather has been acting strangely this week, from almost thirty degrees on Monday and Tuesday (I don't really like temperatures this high, but even I was basking in the sudden warmth) to twelve degrees and an icy western wind yesterday. It's a lovely spring, though. Maybe it's the camera that makes me more attentive to my surroundings and the changes in nature, even when I don't take it along, maybe it's the morning runs, although they're rather infrequent at the moment, maybe it's that I'm in a different mindset, but I don't remember ever experiencing spring so intensely. Almost frighteningly beautiful at times.

Tuesday, scent of lilac and smell of rain on sun-warmed concrete.

Managed a morning run today, and ran for an hour or so on Wednesday after taking care of the horse, which was unexpectedly exhausting what with all the uphill - downhill in the Wienerwald.

Went to see the Magritte exhibition on Thursday; not that I'm a particular fan, but I had the vague hope that seeing the actual paintings might make a difference, as it certainly did with Tamara de Lempicka. Plus, I'm trying to broaden my horizons. Was neither especially touched or intrigued, though. Perhaps part of the problem is that Magritte is one of those artists whose paintings are so popular that it's near-impossible to look at them with a fresh eye...

I liked two of the paintings with birds growing out of plants (The Companions of Fear, Natural Graces), and a very simple one with a paper-cut figure, but the rest... meh. Not my cup of tea.

The only thing I found intriguing on a intellectual level is when he addresses the inherent illusionism of painting, ('ceci n'est pas une pipe') because this seems to reflect Plato's issues with illusionist painting, and his reservations about art in general...

Also made a birthday cake for H., which resulted in some slight temporary awkwardness, he being M.(-at-work)'s boyfriend, and she not being much inclined to bake cakes herself. But he hangs around so often, and when I hear 'birthday' I reflexively offer cake, without thinking much about it. But, cake, and everyone liked it, and ate a second piece, so in the end it was all right, I think. (Photos curtsy H., because I'm not that self-involved, even though in this case I'll abandon all pretense at modesty and say that it was a really good cake. Really very good. Even though that's more due to the cook-book than my amazing baking skills, but anyway.)

On an entirely unrelated note, I finally figured out why I could never really get into Stargate, either SG-1, or (as it turns out) Atlantis, even though I enjoy the fanfic quite a lot. I kept thinking it was the Däniken-esque premise that offended me professionally (ex-professionally, whatever), but watching SGA The Defiant One last Wednesday I finally realised the problem was a different one. Neither show has character arcs that include emotional developments, neither deals with the aftershocks of a crisis, the emotional fallout, except in a very rudimentary fashion, leaving entirely too many blank spaces for fanfic ones imagination to fill.

Now I'm all for understatement and show-don't-tell, instead of endless gushing and proclamations and spelling out things to the last detail, but there's such a thing as too minimalist, there's a point where it diminishes realism, the credibility of characters and the possible emotional impact of a show by creating an emotional safety-net. Wraith blown up, day saved, McKay gets to drive the jumper, The End. Never mind the guy who shot himself in front of McKay so that he could go and rescue Sheppard. I already sort-of noticed this tendency in The Storm / The Eye, which have some good moments, pushing the characters to extremes (sometime I'll have to talk about my guilty fascination for competent wielding of big guns), but whose light, half-humorous ending immediately after they all barely escaped with their lives struck me as jarring and lacking realism, as far as such a thing can be said for a SF TV show anyway.

Things never go too wrong, which makes a show a little boring after a while, and impossible for me to get emotionally involved.

Now on the other hand B5 never lets anyone get away with anything without dealing with the consequences, personal and/or political; whole character arcs are build around this, the main theme of the show is quest for self-knowledge. Both Buffy and Angel are all about actions and their consequences, redemption, forgiveness, doing the right thing, to the point of occasionally being a little over-moralistic for my taste, especially in the case of Buffy; with Angel the moral lines are a lot blurrier, but people still don't get to escape from the consequences of their actions...
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When your days-off become more aggravating than the average work-day... Horse lost a shoe - no wait, that would have been too easy. Horse stepped on one shoe with the other hoof, ripping out most of the nails, but still leaving enough in for the thing to remain semi-attached to the hoof. I don't know how to deal with this kind of thing. Slight panic, until I found someone with a mobile phone, and he actually had the tools and got the shoe off...

::exasperated sigh::

Why me?

G. did a lecture and I thought I'd do the nice, friendly thing for once & go... I actually wanted to skip, but he was so nervous and. So. I went. Again, ::sigh::. Besides my general lack of interest in the subject and the fact that I was already familiar with at least two thirds of it, from proof-reading some of his articles, back when I still did that, it was bad. Badly delivered, confusing, &c.


It's rather interesting how my brain can reason itself out of an opinion. Or even a rant.

Not that I actually participate, but I occasionally do lurk around fandom-y things and what recently irritated me was the argument that supposedly puts an end to every discussion: It's only fiction, and god help you if you should be so unreasonable as to question this at all. Now obviously it's not the legal aspect that bothers me, and I'm certainly not starting to cry for censorship, but I do have a problem with the underlying assumption that someone's writing (or reading) is entirely disconnected from the rest of the personality, from 'real life'; that the written word does not and cannot have any bearing on real life, because it's just fiction, words, ideas.

'Nothing betrays a man like his book.' says Stephen Maturin in Desolation Island, and this is something I tend to agree with. Obviously the nature of the relationship between someone's writing and the other parts of their life will vary from person to person, but some kind of relationship surely does exist? Our reading preferences, our writing, our fantasies and kinks are part of ourselves, after all, and I would argue that a lot of subconscious elements do indeed go into writing.

Maybe I'm weird (and maybe I've got no life), but books are important to me. When I'm visiting someplace I always look at the bookcases, if I get the chance. Perhaps writing reveals even more, because even if you try to lie, to disguise yourself, to be entirely different from your 'real life' persona and 'real life' experiences, the lie and the disguise are still yours.

Books can be influential and inspirational, they can be trite, boring and shallow, or anything in between those two extremes, just like people.

I don't see any clear demarcation line between 'life' and 'fiction', and while codes of law in some cases have to draw one, even this is subject to change.

Then of course I start to really think about the whole thing, art, life, how one influences the other, and I give up, because there's no way I can solve or prove anything here, and maybe the 'It's only fiction' people are right after all, and I am weird. End of attempted rant. Sometimes I really hate my brain and its exasperating tendency to constantly argue itself into a state of dead-lock.
solitary_summer: (creatrix (© clive barker))

Good: Despite the lengthy period of slackening I can still run my /-70 mins. A stunningly dark pink/purple sky at sunrise. A leisurely breakfast with the knowledge of a day off followed by a public holiday.

Not so good: Hey! Only two bags of marzipan cappuccino left... Where did they - er, right. Need to re-order.

Finished S2 Buffy yesterday... now Buffy is not my big fanish love, but I have a comfortable, warm, fuzzy fondness for the show and its characters, and it does have some truly striking moments.

Couple of days ago it struck me that it doesn't make much sense that I always tend to feel extra-apologetic (to whom?) when favourite tv shows include spaceships, aliens, vampires and whatnot: Come to think about it, the pseudo-realistic universes of shows like Sex and the City with their four hundred dollar shoes and eternal quest for better sex and/or better relationships have even less in common with my own life (ignoring for the moment what this may or may not say about my life), with my dreams and with what is important to me, and generally speaking I find myself more and more disinterested in shows whose main theme is putting characters in stylish clothing through one bad relationship after another. IMO this kind of realism, if realism it is, is vastly over-rated, and putting an artsy twist on it by making every character oh-so-interestingly angsty neurotic doesn't make that much of a difference IMO. The 'escapism' and suspension of 'realism' (quotation-marks, because what tv show is a hundred percent realistic) at least gives a show the freedom to still be entertaining but at the same time to delve into deeper layers of the human psyche, to tackle archetypal themes of human mythology; to more directly deal with hopes, dreams and fears; to go for the big emotions.

Obviously this perspective is influenced by the lack of relationships and relationship-related drama in my life, but I do think it goes beyond unacknowledged petty jealousy....

::shrug:: Anyway. Will buy S3 and be totally unapologetic about it.
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Despite expectations to the contrary and about a million Vanillekipferln today was in fact rather tolerable. Ought to remember next year that it's much less stressful doing the baking on two weekends rather than two subsequent days. We actually finished around 6 pm which was something of a novelty and much of an improvement.

Inspired by [ profile] soavezefiretto...

the favourite 'ships meme, version: lazy )

[[So they have have caught Saddam Hussein, or claim to (and isn't it just a little too convenient for comfort at this point...). Maybe I'm getting really jaded about politics, but what's the hype? Good for the Iraqis I suppose, even better for Bush & Co, but am I really supposed to care on a personal level? ]]
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Hm. With regard to last entry - I'm really not so sure what exactly I was trying to prove there, or to whom.

On reconsideration it's even more pathetic to be always vaguely apologetic and embarrassed about watching (e.g.) Smallville and posting about it at rambling and analytical lengths in lj, that just outright saying that I occasionally really am intrigued by it - the better episodes happen to push a lot of my buttons.

Why am I apparently trying so hard to live up to some imaginary standards of intellectualism that just aren't... me, or at least not all of me, and blaming myself whenever i've fallen short of them in my mind? I guess it's mostly guilty conscience, because I do a lot less serious reading than I'd like to, but there's a good measure of general insecurity, too. Browsing through other people's journals I often catch myself wanting to be funny, intelligent, well-articulated, organised, philosophical, political, poetical & so on & so forth like them, and then I consciously need to remind myself that this is me, my way of thinking, of writing, for better or worse. Sometimes this helps, sometimes... not so much. But it's getting easier and maybe that's a good sign.

In some respects I'm still absolutely anal about my lj. Spell-check. Edit over and over. Have panic attacks about how I might have used a preposition wrong. Rush of embarrassment on discovering a typo or grammatical error only after my whole friends list has already read the entry and it's been on top of the page for days.

Part of it may be due to the whole non-native language factor, but I write like that in German, too, skipping back and forth between thoughts and random fragments of sentences, bits and pieces I re-arrange until they (hopefully) fall into some sort of pattern, rather than follow one thought through from beginning to end. My style wouldn't be any different if I wrote in German, maybe even more clumsy - it's been a long time since I've expressed personal thoughts and feelings in my native language. The content wouldn't be any different, either...

Welcome to the wonderful world of my livejournal neuroses.


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March 2013

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