I give up. It's been almost two months since my last post, I've been trying to write an entry for weeks now, but without success. The problem isn't even so much that it feels like I've lost the mental focus and clarity to put my thoughts into words (although that, too); rather there simply are no thoughts that seem worth writing down.
Nothing much happened in the greater scheme of things; I'm not dead (obviously); Russian was all right, if stressful, and I didn't learn as much as I wanted to, because I simply didn't have the energy. Mostly I'm trying to finally get rid of the winter depression that I still seem to be stuck with/in. There were good days, hiking tours, sunshine and warmth, short sleeves, and my first Greek salad of the year, getting a couple of (minor) things done that needed doing. But every time things seem to look a little brighter for a day or two, I fall back again into lethargy, constant tiredness (I don't think I've ever
in my adult life been to bed before midnight that often), crying, job worries/anxiety, complete hopelessness and apathy. Mostly, I just want to be able to feel enthusiastic about something again. Anything, really.
Since I can't seem to be able to put together a coherent entry, I'll just post a few pictures from my hiking tour two weeks ago. The first part (from Pottenstein to the Hoher Mandling) was the same as last November
, where I took all those picturesque fog pictures, so it was interesting both to actually see where I was going, and to see the change of seasons. Everything was still very bare and wintery, but with a touch of spring; pale yellow primroses and violet Leberblümchen
poking through the pale brown of last year's leaves, sometimes right in the middle of the path, and further up I came across large patches of Christmas roses, which made me happy, because I thought I'd missed them again this year. When we were children, we were always picking Christmas roses on our Suday walks in early spring, but I haven't seen any in the wild (there's a flower shop on my way to work that had potted ones standing outside) for, quite literally, decades. Lizards sunning themselves and scuttling away when I walked past, and a couple of early butterflies.
(I've had Anna Karenina
on my iPod recently, and while I still don't much like the religious framework and basic anti-intellectualism of the ending, I sometimes think Lewin/Tolstoy maybe was right re. thinking about the meaning of life vs. just living it...)
( & more )